I had never been to the DCFS office before. I had to drive a half hour to get there and I knew that I wasn't going to go alone for the first time. I had told Wendy that if Matt wasn't able to go that she WAS going with me and she had no choice in the matter. Turns out that Matt wanted to meet her to so we went together. I knew that Sissy's birthmom was getting pressure from her parents to have these visits. I think that at this time they were draggin their feet trying to adopt her and they thought they could get their daughter to try to do the right thing. The social worker had some papers that she needed the birthmom to have so she gave it to Matt to give to her. We prayed before we went in that the Lord would give us wisdom on how we should be and get us through it.
They brought us into a private room where there was a "man" sitting there. Matt and I looked at "him" and was looking at each other like "what are we doing here"? Then the social worker intoduced us to her. She was dressed like a man, had her hair buzzed like a man, I saw her tatoos and scars from cutting herself. We knew she was a lesbian but had no idea. Matt was so stunned he handed me the papers to hand to her. I introduced myself and tried to put her at ease. She definately looked at us as the enemy. Then came the hardest part of all....I had to hand Sissy over to her and leave her there. I smiled and tried to get to the car as fast as I could before I started crying.
So that is who Sissy had been taken from? That is who she had been living on the streets with when she would get in a fight and be taken from her grandparents? I had only had her for a short time and I loved her already. YUCK! At that time, I knew for sure that we would get to keep her because there was NO WAY that the Lord would want her with THAT when she could have us. (OK..I had some growing to do.)
A while after that first visit, I had talked to Ivy's birthmom. The Lord (again) used that conversation. I was still pretty disgusted and she told me of a girl she knew that was just like that. Let me tell you how much I love Ivy's birthmom, I have a supernatural love for her. Her simple coversation reminded me that without any of these women I would not be a mom. Sissy's birthmom needed to know Jesus, she needed my love and prayers and even though it was going to be a challenge, I am not going to lie, something is a little "off" with her, I know that I was put in her path to pray for that whole family. It became easier to see what I could do for them to show them Jesus Christ, to take care of Sissy, BEG the Lord that she would still be ours. I prayed that I would give her the love that she needed and if it all ended in heart break then I had the Lord to take care of me.
I also thought of all the LOST people that I would encounter at the DCFS office. I hated going there and I would make many trips but I also became extremely thankful to the Lord for saving me. Without Him that could be me. I sure saw the ugliness of the world and sin in that place.
Let me end by saying this. Please don't think that I am this super holy woman who always has the perfect biblical outlook on this situation. Far from it! I love it that I can share what I have learned but as you read all that I have learned, I remember constant failure and having to repent of my sinful attitude and outlook. The Lord did a number on me. It got a whole lot worse before it got better (as you will read). People say, " I don't know how you did it." Either do I except for Jesus. He got me through.
It's my birthday today and all I can think about was last year when I had a 2 week old baby girl that I didn't know if we would get to keep and now she is my daughter. God is so good ALL THE TIME!