It has been WAY TO LONG! The funny thing is, over the last couple of months, I have been introduced to people who know me from this blog! I doubt they will be reading now because they probably think that I have abandoned it. I told them I only write when I have a major urge to say something and today I felt that push. I love it that people read but today I needed to write to remind myself of something I fight far too often.
First, I want to add that my family just got back from a trip to California. We had not been back for almost 4years. It was a wonderful visit. We stayed about a week and a half. The first part was with my sister and brother in law and with friends. Oh how I have missed these people. One memory that makes me laugh. An hour after we got to Ashley's house (I am assuming you know Ashley, wink wink) I was laying on the couch with my bestie Wendy. We were talking and I was already getting teary eyed, I said"It is so so good to be with you." She said,"I know." I said," I feel like we should snuggle." I walked over and hugged her. We didn't hear people come in and a friend walks in and said,"Ummm…. excuse me?" Haha I LOVE MY PEOPLE! We laughed, cried, prayed, talked, encouraged each other, played games, ate Halloween candy, made taquitos at 9pm, celebrated my brother in law passing the California bar exam to became an attorney (YAY HUGH AND HOLLIE!), had thanksgiving with family in Hemet. So. Much. Fun. So. Much. to be thankful for.
Matt had a job interview that we had been waiting to hear about. This is a job that he really really wants. It is taking extra long to hear if he got the job and it has started to get us both discouraged. He has diligently…i mean DILIGENTLY been looking for a job for one year. He has done so much to try and get a job that really the only reason he doesn't have it is because the Lord has kept a job from him.
The Lord has continually revealed to me my sinful heart and the wrong thinking that I have about this situation, who God is, etc. but probably nothing more than Christian Karma. My good friend said that to me once (I might have even wrote about it on this blog but I still fight it all the time.) Even as Christians (who say that we don't believe in Karma)we really do. We think that if we have had hard trials in our lives, we are DUE for something good to happen. It's about time. Losing a house? Check. Infertility? Check. Losing a baby ( a couple actually) through adoption? Check. Job losses? Check. Leukemia? FREAKING LEUKEMIA? Check!!!! Matt should have been gifted as the CEO of a company by now. WAIT……NO….. That is what my sinful heart says but it's not true and I have to tell myself this all the time.
Waiting this long to hear about a job just seems cruel and wrong. When you go through something as hard as cancer as bad as that was, this waiting period is just as hard. My friend Byron says you want to bolt but you can't. I hate it. I am not even going to pretend I don't to look good. I hate it.
I was talking to Matt his morning as we are both discouraged and I had to remind him of all the ways the Lord has blessed us lately. The ballet, unexpected money for our California trip, a free dinner, I opened up an old wallet the other day and found $200 in it that I used for Christmas presents! We deserve none of it….. and I can almost hear you shout but you guys do! But we don't. And I hate the fact that we don't. But we don't. I cry as I type it.
This world is not my home. As much as I want to make it my comfy home, decorated cute, it's not and I'm thankful that it's not. I want it to be but I tell Jesus all the time that I am thankful that He doesn't give us what we want but what we need. When I am in heaven worshipping Him, none of this will matter. And when that is happening, He is going to shower me with all that I don't deserve. I would rather have that.