Jesus Wept

     I was going along my merry way this week.  Self centered, with a divided heart.  Thinking about all the things in my life I wish were different, all the material things that I was concerned with….then it happened.  A close friend of mine was having a medical emergency.  There is nothing like that to swoop you out of your self centered life and remind you what really matters, what is important, and who is in control of it all.
      As I was helpless and thousands of miles away, I drove home from work and started begging the Lord on her behalf.  I was crying and fighting anger as I prayed.  "LORD, WHERE ARE YOU?"  I've had a lot of silence from Him as we have been really praying that Matt will get a job soon and as that has been weighing on our hearts, this happens.
     One of the hardest parts to go through in a trial is when there is no movement.  Nothing. Nada.  Hanging out.  Trying to keep your mind set on what's true.  But it weighs on you.  Then when an even bigger crisis comes.  BOOM!  It wakes you up.  I went from praying about these things to pleading with the Lord on my friend's behalf.
     On my way home,  it started to drizzle rain.  It was like a few tear drops.  It reminded me of Jesus talking to Martha when Lazarus died.  Her brother had just died and she said to Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  Jesus saw her weeping and those with her and then it says that He wept.  (John 11)  I know that His weeping was because of our fallen world and that results in sorrow and death but I also know He loved this family.
     I was reminded how much the Lord loves Matt and I.  How much He loves my friend.  He hurts when we hurt.  He is a loving God.  That also means He is going to do what's best for us.  He is building in us endurance, character and hope. (Romans 5:3-4)  He is in complete control and He does answer prayer.  My friend turned out to be fine (for now) and I cried again as I got this news.
     Man, life is hard!  It makes me long for heaven.  As I continue to wait for a job for Matt, give my friend's health up to the hands of Jesus, look at Him with a clearer focus, I just want to remember that He cares.  He loves us.  We are His.  He isn't up in heaven with a metal rod moving things as He pleases without any care on how it affects us.  He weeps for us.  With us.  Something so simple but a comfort to remember because I easily forget.  Sometimes the more theology (stuff about God) you know, the more it can cloud the simplicity of what is true.  His love.  His care.  His concern.  His best.
     No matter what you are going through, whatever you are waiting for, whatever answer that hasn't come yet.  He loves and cares for you too. Praise Him.

The Heart Wants what it Wants

     As I should be studying John for an upcoming lecture,  I am thankful to the Lord that He has taken me to Philippians.  I have been in a funk the last couple of days.  It could be that I have been sick but also I have really been asking the Lord for some things and frankly, He has not answered in the timely manner that I would like.  I begged Him yesterday for some answers and He remained silent.  Normally I wouldn't mind sharing with y'all the desires of my heart but I know it would turn into…"You and Matt deserve it with all you've been through." or  " I totally understand."
     As I was reading through Philippians today Paul writes,

"Indeed, I count everything as loss, because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ." 

 I just looked at that and thought…"But the heart wants what it wants….. and it wants!"  Really,  I want to say that I count everything as loss but I don't.  I "want" bad.  Yesterday I read in Philippians 2:13

"For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." 

 That verse tells me two things.  One,  it is God who does the work in me.  I can't do it.  My heart is sinful and selfish so I need Him.  But secondly, it tells me that the work is for HIS good pleasure.  Not mine.  His ultimate will will be done in my life to accomplish His purpose.  As much as that hurts sometimes, I get it.  Philippians 2:5  says why.  So that "you shine as lights in the world." Frankly, most times we shine brighter through trials than we do with out them.  I have had more conversations with people going through hard times because of the hard times I have been through.
     So how does God do that work in me?  verse 16 says,"Holding fast to the Word of Life."  I have to cling to Him.  Be in God's word so that He can comfort me.  Abide in Him.  Let Him transform my heart and mind. Even when it stings and I have this internal struggle.
     Yet, if you think He doesn't care, Paul reminds us in 4:19

"And My God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Not every want but every need.  And sometimes we get mixed up what we want and what we need.  My heart wants what it wants….and it wants…but clinging to my Savior with hope that He will turn those wants into something similar to His.

"O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander,Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for They courts above."

Then There Were None (Romans 3:22-24)

I have written before about my favorite sermon by my Pastor, Byron Yawn.  I have been wanting to post another favorite, must listen to sermon and then BAM!  He preached another great one on Sunday so I have to hurry and put this one up.  He has been going through Romans and you would benefit to go to the  Community Bible Church website and listen to the "Then There Were None" series.  This sermon I am posting is part 6 of that series.  I left that day overwhelmed by grace.  I wanted to cry as I left, overwhelmed by Jesus.  I'm so thankful for my friend who loves Jesus and loves His church.  Enjoy! 

Parentology

My morning with Lucy as already gone different than many mornings before.  I will be the first to admit, I was way more intentional in my parenting of a toddler with Ivy than I am with Lucy.  Especially with Matt being sick, sometimes I just run Lucy along, quick discipline her behavior and keep running.  Last night our pastor, Byron( cbcnashville.org) gave a great talk on Parenting.  It had so many great reminders.  So…it didn't take long this morning for Lucy to get upset when I told her that it was time to turn off the TV and play with toys (rough life of a four year old).  She went to her room, she got punished and then we had a nice talk.  About Jesus.  About us and our sin.  About how much God loves us and why He sent Jesus.  About how our sin breaks our relationship with God and how He sent someone to fix it.  It's day by day baby steps.  As I sat there last night I realized in a year and a half Lucy is in school.  Away from me for 8 hours a day.  I need to seize the time.

You can get on the church website and listen to his lecture but I know that most people won't do that so I am giving you my notes.  I'm not going to add any explanation because it speaks for itself and you can think it through.  Knowing that this time with my kids goes fast, I am thankful that it is not over yet.

Parentology:

1.  Don't place your faith in your parenting.  (their faith outcome)
2.  Don't place your self worth/identity in how your children behave in public (it's all law/no grace) That makes it about you and not your kids.
3. Don't expect the church to fix, save, to correct your children.
4.  Don't forget that much of your children's behavior is from imitation. (the one most like you is who you tend to struggle with the most)
5. Don't make the mistake of giving your kids the impression that they are a project to fix. (that they are a burden)
6. Assume that your kids are going to struggle.

GOAL OF PARENTING- To introduce your children to Christ (and their need for Christ)
Functional goal- Creating a home where your kids are allowed to struggle with sin.  Where I can correct.  Allow them to grow as people.

You don't have a lot of time with your kids so there needs to be primarily LOVE.
You want your kids to give you their hearts.  You want your kids to come to you for advice.

Advice to parents with toddlers-WIN haha!
DISCIPLINE and STRUCTURE  Kids thrive on that.

You don't want to make your parenting where they think God is an unsatisfied Judge instead of a loving Father.

In spanking.  Tell your kids why they are sinning through scripture.  GRACE!

The biggest mistake in parenting is the absence of grace.  Make a distinction between law and grace.  Rules of the home are an extension from God's law.  They point their need for God and for their protection.  Your kids need to know that they will never truly satisfy the law.  Only Christ has done that.

Most kids think that they will only be accepted if they obey the rules.  True Christian parenting is your unending acceptance of them.  You discipline BECAUSE you love and accept them.

Most of the time,  when a toddler is out of control, the dad has been absent in discipline.  Dad needs to step up.  A father's role is essential.

Most of their kids rebel against their parents because the only get attention they get is when they get chastisement.

Don't punish out of irritation, anger or frustration.

Don't confuse mistakes and disobedience.

Recognize the difference in your children.  Observe…Dads be involved!

Don't give unreasonable demands.

Be unified as parents when it comes to discipline.

Focus most your attention on rules that affect the heart.

1.  (example: lying, deception) "If you tell me the truth, I will respond in grace."
2.(example: tone and volume)  How you talk to each other.  No screaming, no stomped feet.  Reinforcing self control.
3.  You need to submit to the same rules. (as parents)
4. No threats in dicipline.  You have to follow through.
5. You don't only have to have devotions at scheduled moments.
6.  Have a home of joy ( do fun and crazy stuff)
7.  Pay attention to hearts and person more than behavior.
8.  Praise them more than correct them.  Praise them for more than their behavior…who they are, their talents.
9.  Give them a lot of affection.

Focus for the New Year 2013

I have been wanting to write this post for awhile.  I don't know if anyone believes I'm that good at writing down my thoughts but in this case, I struggle to get out the thoughts that are in my head.  As I'm still working through what I think, I am going to give it my best shot.  It seems fitting today because my 7 year old Ivy prayed a prayer to accept Christ this morning.  She has asked me a couple of times, telling me she is ready and I have quizzed her until her little heart has been frustrated.  Is my little girl who I have prayed for since before she was born truly making a decision to trust Christ with her whole life?  Time will tell but I can tell that God has softened her heart and she is sensitive to Him.  

Last year, my focus was or new year's resolution( whatever you want to call it) was to get into the Word and really know my bible.  It was a sweet time and I learned a lot but I felt halfway through the year, the Lord was starting to show me a different area in my life that I needed to address.

It is no secret how I love my new church.  I love the teaching of my pastor, the music, the people, but one of my favorites has been my Tuesday morning bible study group.  As we have talked , the Lord has renewed in my heart a new love for the gospel.  That is why I wrote that post a while back about being the way that I am.  You see,  I, like so many of my friends have been a Christian for a LONG time.  I feel like the longer I was a Christian, the more I read and knew God's word, the more I thought,"All you need to do is believe and you will also DO......"  I was adding all of these extra things.  I really began to struggle with the thought of just accepting Him for what HE did for ME.  I thought, "OK He died for me and I need to do...."  But I was taking away the gift of what Christ did.  I was believing that Christ died for me but I still was giving myself this list of to do's.  Now here is the part you might struggle with as a Christian. Once you become saved, God calls you to a godly life.  But you are going to fail at that life, we are all still sinners, Christ paid the debt for that on the cross and I need to be FREE in that.  I feel like the older we are in the faith, we let other "things" creep in as SO important.  We give it them the same importance as what Christ did for us.  We DO because we love Him and what He has DONE for us.  I focused more on what I was doing, what others weren't doing, instead of  focusing on what was done for me.

When we truly know what Christ has done for us, we want to live a godly life because He didn't deserve to die on the cross for our sins but He did it in our place and we are grateful.  Repenting of your sins is a response to what He did on the cross.

I will never forget one Sunday before we had communion.  We were sitting there and my pastor said, "If you are a Christian and you have doubted your salvation because you look at your life and see failure.  It's because you are looking at the wrong person.  You are looking at yourself and seeing failure instead of looking at Christ and that He took all of that and died for you."  I wanted to cry, the gracious Lord showing me yet again, how selfish I am to always be looking at me and not at what He did for me.  It's all about Him and what He has done!

Honestly, I don't even know if I'm making sense.  That is why this is the focus of my year.  I don't want a list of to do's.  I want to get back to the gospel.  I want to fall in love with Jesus and sit in the sweet spot of gratitude for what He has done for me.  It's not about me, it's all about Him.  I want to release the pressure, fall in love with Him more and just serve Him out of love.  I'm praying that my Ivy does the same.

Why I Am the Way I Am

     I have been thinking a while about this post.  There are so many titles that I was going to name it.  Like, "Why are those Gorsh kids always so good?" or " I knew that Kelli was religious " or "Kelli just keeps on ticking away when bad things happen to her".  I have loved Facebook and reconnecting with people.  Meeting new people and reconnecting with people I grew up with.  I have loved the encouragement I have received and the prayers that have been lifted up on our behalf.  When I think back to adopting Lucy and how hard that was, it was so nice to be able to send out a prayer request and know that people were praying for me and my family.
     I also know there are a number of people who totally respect me, my religion, etc. and think I am a nice person but also kind of just don't get it.  You think it is fine for me but it's not for you.  Even if we have been friends since childhood, in all honesty, you don't know what I believe and are curious or you really don't care.
     When I was little I remember trying to obey my parents.  I was trying to be a good kid but I always failed.  We all do, don't we?  None of us are perfect.  The more my parents gave me rules, the more I saw myself breaking those rules.  I look back on that now and I am so thankful.  Without those rules, I would never see myself as a rule breaker.  I have been studying lately and see that is why God gave us laws in the Old Testament of the bible.  He did it because without giving us those laws, we wouldn't even know that we were sinning.  He did that (the 10 commandments) so we would measure our life up against them and realize that we can't live up to them.  Sure, we might not all be murderers but we have all told a lie.  The bible says that we break one law it is like we broke them all.  We are all sinners, we broke our relationship with God.  The bible says that no one is righteous, not one of us.  (Romans 3:10)  It says we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  (Romans 3:23)   So all of you that think that I am a good person or that you are, the bible says that we are sinners.  Sounds harsh doesn't it?  Well I think that I am being harsh towards God.  He gives me life and I sin against Him.  When we sin, we have a broken relationship.  Just like you would with any friend or family member.  You do wrong against them, you need to make it right to reconcile that relationship.  The same needs to happen in our relationship with God!
     I know that most of us would say that we are good people going to heaven but since nothing sinful is in heaven, anyone who sins cannot go there unless a price is paid for that sin.    The bible says" For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is a gift of God, not by works so that no one can boast. "( Ephesians 2 :8-9)  We can't get to heaven by being a good person or we would say we got there all because of what we did and we wouldn't need God or Jesus!
     Well...that news stinks huh? Ha ha Well that is some depressing news.  But wait!  God is a loving God and He would not leave me or you  hanging like that.  He says that since there is not one person who can get to heaven on their own because we are all sinners, He would provide the payment for  our sins.  He would do it.  How about that as a loving God?  I sin against Him and He offers to pay for that sin.  This would only work if there was someone taking care of it who never sinned.  So God sent His Son to do it.  (1John 4:14 "..the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world.")  We needed saving and He sent His own Son,Jesus, to do it.  That is called grace.  It's God's attitude toward the lawbreaker, giving us what we don't deserve (heaven) and showing us mercy, NOT giving us what we Do deserve (hell)
     So...OK.  So we sin, we needed someone to pay for that sin,  God sent Jesus to do it, that's great so now we all go to heaven?  No.  That is not it.  There is one thing that God requires of us. You must believe in Jesus by faith.  (Acts 16:31 "Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved.")  It is harder for some than you think.  The bible says that Jesus had earthly brothers and while He was living, they didn't believe in Him that He was to save us from our sins. (John 7:5)   You must believe that the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ dying on the cross and rising from the dead to make the payment for your sins.  There is no other way to get to heaven.  You cannot be a good person to get there, go to church to get there, raise good kids to get there, love your country and obey all the laws (because we don't obey them all anyway) , do philanthropy work, be a pastor, anything to get to heaven except believe this news and accept it by faith.
     When you see yourself as God sees you, you know you need a Savior and you need Him.  I'm so thankful for this news.  Some might say,  Kelli, you have gone crazy!  This is not a popular topic, telling people that they are on a road to hell unless they believe what I believe.  I don't like saying that either.  But let me ask you something.  If what I am saying is true. ( You can look it up yourself because I gave you a lot of bible verses) then what kind of friend would I be if you never heard it and we had been friends for "x" many years?  You can believe me or not but I think there will come a time when you will remember what I said.  That's why I wrote this post.
     So why have I been religious? (I'm really not,  a lot of people have more "religion" than me)  Why do I or my family or some of my friends seem different when those hard times have come?  It's because now that I have believed everything that I told you, I am not separated from God.  We have a relationship.  He is my Father.  I can go to Him.  How can Matt lose countless jobs, I lose a baby during foster care, have infertility issues, etc and not be bitter?  It's because I have a God who loves me,  I can trust Him.  I have heaven to look forward to and believe me, as life gets hard, I look forward to being there more and more.
     Some might be totally appalled at what I said, some might have questions, some might think that it is great for me, but we all die and then what happens next?  What if I am right?  But it's too late to go back?  I don't want to be morbid but isn't it something we should all think about?  Choose to believe me or not but if something is true, it doesn't matter if you believe it or not, it is still true.  I choose to believe by faith, what Jesus said.  You can email me if you want.  My email address is my Facebook but better yet read the bible, start with the book of John and read it for yourself, don't take my word for it.  I'm just a girl, thinking about her friends, never wanting to think about what I should have said. Love to you all.
 
   

I'm a complainer.

     I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head today.  After reading various comments on Facebook on how moms are fed up with their kids I finally said something.  For the record,  I am sure I have put up the same kind of message up for the world to see so I am not coming out and preaching to everyone something that I haven't preached to myself many times.  I am no better than you, however, the Lord has convicted my heart on this area many times.
     I think I am a huge complainer...or used to be...or sinfully, want to be.  It is allergy season for me and if your my friend you know that in the fall I can be a hermit, not going outside to sniff the pollen.  The other day, my allergy attack was in full force and you did not want to get in my way!  If I don't feel good...I'll alter the saying, "If mama don't feel good we all will suffer".  I think Matt was running out the door for work just to get away from me.  All that to say, I can be a complainer too.
      I think the Lord has made me go through some experiences to teach me how grateful I should be.  I remember struggling with infertility issues and I would go places (sadly, church was the worst) and everybody was complaining about their kids.  I wanted to be a mom so bad and these women had what I wanted and were so ungrateful for it.  I'm not talking the occasional outburst to get out your frustration before your top blows (although we do need to be careful, we are only human) but there are alot of women who complain about their kids so much that they don't even know they do it.  Or they think it's funny.  Their kids are the butt of their jokes.  Sadly,  I would have given almost anything to have what they had.  I also thought that I would have been just like them if the Lord did not have me wait so long.
     I have one child, that we are like oil and water many times.  She can set me off fast.  I HATE that about myself!  I HATE it!  I pray about it all the time.  I often think, what if something would happen to her and I look back on our relationship and all I can think of is all the times that I bossed her around, lost my temper, gave out orders, and "gave it to her" when she disobeyed.  I would never forgive myself.
     This is also the first time in my life where I haven't been a working mom.  I remember having to leave Ivy to go to work and I longed to be home with her.  I would read comments where moms would write, "get me out of here!"  Again,  God showed me that if that day ever came where I was a stay at home mom, I needed to get my attitude in order.  I have a working friend who longs to be a stay at home mommy and I wouldn't DARE complain to her, she would trade me in a heartbeat!
     The funny thing is, as I am writing this post and ALL morning, Lucy has been hanging on me.  I can't get very much done.  She loves to be by my side.  I got out toys for her and everything and she just wants to hang on me.  As she was starting to hang on me and I was getting frustrated, I was saying all of these things to myself.
     I know it is different when kids are older,  I have a first grader who is just starting to pick things up she has learned at school, making me what to wave my finger " Oh no you didn't!"  I know this is just the tip of the iceberg.  But this is exactly why we need to remind ourselves what a precious gift our children are!  They are a blessing.  They could be gone in an instant!  Psalm 127 says, " Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them."
     I am not trying to be holier than thou.  This is such a struggle for me, but let's encourage each other and remind each other of the blessings we have.  This will convict my own heart. Even today.  Probably at 3:55pm to be exact when the bus rolls in.  Haha.  I'm thankful that the Lord has placed this on my heart today so that I can remind  myself all day.
     Philippians 2:14-15 " Do all things without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."

   

Count it all Joy

As I am studying the book of James here are some insights that I read today.

James 1:2-4 " Count it all joy, my brothers,

when you meet trials of various kinds,

for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.

And let steadfastness have its full effect,

that you may be perfect and complete,

lacking in nothing."

(taken from the ESV bible)

A couple of notes:

"Count/consider" calls us to a mental exercise. Not an emotion. He's telling us to think, to reflect, and to esteem the unalloyed joys available to us "whenever we experience various trials."

Left alone, trials are "robbers".

Trials don't get to steal from followers of Christ unless we hand over the goods. In fact, they're commanded to give goods to us if we're willing to receive them. Robbers or reapers, its up to us.

(All quotes from Beth Moore's study on the book of James)

John MacArthur adds this:

on trials- "Every trial becomes a test of faith designed to strengthen"

"Through tests, a Christian will learn to withstand tenaciously the pressure of a trial until God removes it at His appointed time, and even cherish the benefit."

When John says "and even cherish the benefit" I always think of my girls. If God would have answered my prayer and allowed me to be pregnant all those years ago, I would not have Ivy and Lucy.

Not only that but as I was talking to a friend from home last week, she was mentioning all the years of suffering Matt and I have gone through. It seems to some that we can never catch a break. But God has shown me over the years how I have been able to endure these trials. Not that it's not hard and not on my own, but by my trust in Him, He has gotten me through. He has provided the strength.

I'm thankful for these reminders today. I want to be a reaper instead of having my joy robbed.