Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Though He slay me, yet I will Hope in Him.

I know that I should update this blog more often.  Even for my own memory since so many things become a blur.  I kind of wait until the Lord puts something on my heart or there is a major update.  I will update you on Matt.  He was in the hospital last week for four days because of dehydration.  He couldn't eat anything and he couldn't keep anything down.  He has lost around 60 pounds since his diagnosis 5 months ago.  The hardest part is when his spirits get down.  When he is discouraged and lonely.  Lonely but is not up for visitors and lots of phone calls.  This time entering the hospital was maybe the worst he has looked, thus me taking him to the hospital.

Matt had a doctor's appointment today where the Dr. told him that they are going to not go ahead with the next two chemo treatments.  He was getting a drug called Methatrexate and people either respond really well to it or responds really bad.  So…. they think he has enough of it in his body and they are going to forgo the rest.  They are going to give him another couple of weeks of rest (to get his blood counts up again)  and then they are going to give him another bone marrow biopsy to see if they see any cancer.  If there is not leukemia, then he can start a new kind of chemo and keep going.  If there is leukemia that has come back, the Dr. wants to talk to us about a stem cell transplant.  That kind of rocked our world as we had thought that we were past talking about that.  It actually kind of scared both of us. So, we wait until his counts come back up and he is stronger, then have the biopsy and wait for the results.  Please pray that no cancer has returned.

People have asked how I am doing and what I am learning.  A friend said it best on Sunday, I might not see what the Lord is teaching me until this is behind us.  Really some days I cling to the Lord and bury my face in Scripture to comfort my soul, read it to Matt to comfort his.  Some days (most days) I am like a zombie, going through the motions of life.  Busy life, trying to make it as normal of a life for the girls as I can.  I take things day by day as I don't know what the day is going to bring.  Honestly,  I (we) are just trying to make it through.  Make it to the other side.  Day by day.  I constantly tell Matt that if can make it through the day, he has won the day.  It doesn't matter if it was hard or easy, he conquered it.

People have asked me what books I have read to help me.  Besides the bible, maybe none.  Who has time to read?  ha ha  Maybe I should but as Matt doesn't want to hear about/ talk about cancer and chemo all the time, I don't either.  Some might help but right now I'm studying for a bible study I am teaching a lesson on.  Maybe after that…..

One thing that I have thought about is that Matt and I have been through a lot together (job loss, infertility, adoptions, losing a baby through adoption, losing our house and moving and now leukemia) Through each trial, the Lord has taught me more about a certain character of Him or some theme.  Longing for babies, He taught me about His faithfulness.  Adopting our girls and even losing Sissy, He taught me His Sovereignty and love.  One thing I have thought more of in this trial than in any is hope.  I have never really focused on hope before until now.

I do have hope.  Knowing that Jesus hears my prayers when I beg Him on behalf of my family brings me hope.  Knowing that this life is not all there is, that I have a future in heaven gives me hope.  Knowing that He loves Matt, Ivy, Lucy and I gives me hope.  Seeing Him working miracles in our situation gives me hope.  Knowing He walks beside me gives me hope.

Job 13:15  "Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him."