He Takes Away the Sin of the World

     My heart has been so heavy the last couple of days.  Hearing of a couple Matt and I used to know "back in the day" who have lost their 6 year old foster daughter, ripped away from them at the decision of DCFS.  You can read about it here www.lexipetition.com It brought back so many memories of my Sissy.  I in no way want to compare my situation as they had their little girl for 5 years and I had mine for 8 months.  My Sissy never called me mommy but she did cling to me as I put her in that car on the final day (and many family visitations during those 8 months).  Another difference is they have taken this Lexi on a  social worker's interpretation of a law and not really for what the law was intended to do, that never happened in my case.  But the "why" is the same.  Why would God allow both girls to be taken from loving Christian homes?  An answer that I will never understand.  Through social media there have been other stories popping up, public infidelity within the church, terrorist attacks, a joke of a presidential election, others too sad to name…I woke up thinking, I don't know if I have it in me to watch the news today or be on social media.

     I opened my bible to the book of John this morning, needing to be close to Jesus.  I got to the middle of chapter one where John the Baptist saw Jesus coming and he said,"Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world." (John 1:29) I cried.  We needed someone who would take away the sin of the world.  I saw some pictures last night on social media that reminded me in just a glimpse how wicked and sinful this place really is and we need rescuing.  We need someone to take it away.  The good news.  He did.   Or He will.  He paid the price and He is going to come back and make all of this right.  This week is Easter.  Such a sweet reminder that He died for all of this.  This is not how it all ends.  He came as the Lamb of God, the ultimate sacrifice, to take away the sin of the world.  He came to rescue us.  In days like this it gives us hope.  I need hope.  Hope there is something better than all of this.  A better future.

     For those of you who don't have hope, those who don't believe any of this and are discouraged.  If you want to read more about the hope I am talking about you can in the book of John in the bible or you can privately ask me.  There is only one man who doesn't disappoint, one man who I have put my trust in even when things don't go my way or He doesn't answer me the way I would like.  When fresh wounds are opened remembering the little girl I lost 6 years ago and yet I still put my hope and trust in Him.  I keep reminding myself that if life was perfect, filled with love, I would never see my need for Him.  I would never want Him.

    I held my two girls tight last night as we prayed for Lexi.  My two beautiful girls that could have been taken from me up until the moment of adoption.  Reminded what a miracle that was in itself.  They are two of God's greatest gifts to me.  If there would have remained Sissy in our lives, there probably would not be Lucy.  Ivy reminded me of that.

Sorry for the rambling.  I look over all of this and it is a hodgepodge not making a lot of sense. (As a lot of my posts usually do). :)  This week as Resurrection Sunday approaches, I am going to continually thank Jesus for bringing us hope.  That day when He rose from the grave, He ushered in hope.  He paid for all of this ugliness on the cross.  It is finished.  Hallelujah!

   

An EXCITING start to 2016

We were going to wait to share this news but people are starting to post things on Facebook so I asked Matt if I could write on my blog today.  Let me just say that I am BEYOND excited to not be writing about my struggles with waiting in trials. I know I must sound like a broken record but I almost feel like this place is my diary.  So…I want to document what's happening with our family.     

I feel like I need to address the last few weeks.  The last weeks of December were a big struggle for Matt and I .  We found out on Christmas Eve (Ivy's birthday) that Matt didn't get a job that he was REALLY hoping for.  The reason he didn't get it was because through his background check we found out that he never graduated from college.  WHAT????  He walked in graduation, we had a party, I have been paying on his loans for 18 years and he even took me on a cruise to celebrate being done.  He has three classes to finish and he has started the process.  But long story short, he lost the job because the info. on his application was inaccurate.  The weird thing is,in  his last three jobs he needed a college degree.  It was a hard pill to swallow after he had applied for jobs for a full year straight with hardly any interviews and this job looked so promising.

As you remember (if your my friend on Facebook) I wasn't handling things very well.  The Lord used this time to reveal things in my life that I was desiring  more than I was desiring Christ.  In my mind I was desiring treasures on earth way more than desiring Him.  With this job gone, He stripped any hope of those things entering my life anytime soon.  It has actually been a sweet time between me and the Lord.  I know that He is the only One that satisfies. I wish I  wouldn't struggle so much with it but I do.  He continually shows me why I need Him so much.

So….last Friday a friend set up an interview for Matt in medical purchasing here  in Nashville.  Matt has wanted to get into medical purchasing for a couple of years but everyone wants medical purchasing experience.  He went to the interview, came home not really knowing either way how it went and in less than two hours the company was calling to offer Matt the job.  We just sat there and cried.  My mind kept taking me to how much I have struggled, how I have fought the Lord to gain control of the situation, how undeserving we were and then he blesses us with this.  Pure undeserving grace.  We were waiting to tell people to make sure the background check went through but decided to announce it today.  Matt's birthday.  So the girls and I bought him a "manly" lunch box to take to work.  It comes with compartments and ice packs so that he can bring a salad or hummus and veggies.  He loved it!

  

He is so excited to work.  He is so cute, he reminds me that he's going to work on February 1 just in case I forgot. The company is also close to his Dr. so he can go for chemo during his last year of treatment.  He hasn't worked in 2 and a half  years and the man is ready.  Best. birthday. gift. ever!

Christian Karma…and Merry Christmas!

It has been WAY TO LONG!  The funny thing is, over the last couple of months, I have been introduced to people who know me from this blog!  I doubt they will be reading now because they probably think that I have abandoned it.  I told them I only write when I have a major urge to say something and today I felt that push.  I love it that people read but today I needed to write to remind myself of something I fight far too often.

First, I want to add that my family just got back from a trip to California.  We had not been back for almost 4years.  It was a wonderful visit.  We stayed about a week and a half.  The first part was with my sister and brother in law and with friends.  Oh how I have missed these people.  One memory that makes me laugh.  An hour after we got to Ashley's house (I am assuming you know Ashley, wink wink)  I was laying on the couch with my bestie Wendy.  We were talking and I was already getting teary eyed, I said"It is so so good to be with you."  She said,"I know."  I said," I feel like we should snuggle."  I walked over and hugged her.  We didn't hear people come in and a friend walks in and said,"Ummm…. excuse me?"  Haha  I LOVE MY PEOPLE!  We laughed, cried, prayed, talked, encouraged each other, played games, ate Halloween candy, made taquitos at 9pm, celebrated my brother in law passing the California bar exam to became an attorney (YAY HUGH AND HOLLIE!), had thanksgiving with family in Hemet.  So. Much. Fun.  So. Much. to be thankful for.

Matt had a job interview that we had been waiting to hear about.  This is a job that he really really wants.  It is taking extra long to hear if he got the job and it has started to get us both discouraged.  He has diligently…i mean DILIGENTLY been looking for a job for one year.  He has done so much to try and get a job that really the only reason he doesn't have it is because the Lord has kept a job from him.

The Lord has continually revealed to me my sinful heart and the wrong thinking that I have about this situation, who God is, etc. but probably nothing more than Christian Karma.  My good friend said that to me once (I might have even wrote about it on this blog but I still fight it all the time.)  Even as Christians (who say that we don't believe in Karma)we really do.  We think that if we have had hard trials in our lives, we are DUE for something good to happen.   It's about time.  Losing a house? Check. Infertility? Check. Losing a baby ( a couple actually) through adoption? Check.  Job losses? Check.  Leukemia?  FREAKING LEUKEMIA?  Check!!!!  Matt should have been gifted as the CEO of a company by now.  WAIT……NO…..  That is what my sinful heart says but it's not true and I have to tell myself this all the time.

Waiting this long to hear about a job  just seems cruel and wrong.  When you go through something as hard as cancer as bad as that was, this waiting period is just as hard.  My friend Byron says you want to bolt but you can't.  I hate it.  I am not even going to pretend I don't to look good.  I hate it.

I was talking to Matt his morning as we are both discouraged and I had to remind him of all the ways the Lord has blessed us lately.  The ballet, unexpected money for our California trip, a free dinner, I opened up an old wallet the other day and found $200 in it that I used for Christmas presents!  We deserve none of it….. and I can almost hear you shout but you guys do!  But we don't.  And I hate the fact that we don't.  But we don't.  I cry as I type it.

This world is not my home.  As much as I want to make it my comfy home, decorated cute, it's not and I'm thankful that it's not.  I want it to be but I tell Jesus all the time that I am thankful that He doesn't give us what we want but what we need.  When I am in heaven worshipping Him, none of this will matter.  And when that is happening, He is going to shower me with all that I don't deserve.  I would rather have that.

Merry Christmas!

Jesus Wept

     I was going along my merry way this week.  Self centered, with a divided heart.  Thinking about all the things in my life I wish were different, all the material things that I was concerned with….then it happened.  A close friend of mine was having a medical emergency.  There is nothing like that to swoop you out of your self centered life and remind you what really matters, what is important, and who is in control of it all.
      As I was helpless and thousands of miles away, I drove home from work and started begging the Lord on her behalf.  I was crying and fighting anger as I prayed.  "LORD, WHERE ARE YOU?"  I've had a lot of silence from Him as we have been really praying that Matt will get a job soon and as that has been weighing on our hearts, this happens.
     One of the hardest parts to go through in a trial is when there is no movement.  Nothing. Nada.  Hanging out.  Trying to keep your mind set on what's true.  But it weighs on you.  Then when an even bigger crisis comes.  BOOM!  It wakes you up.  I went from praying about these things to pleading with the Lord on my friend's behalf.
     On my way home,  it started to drizzle rain.  It was like a few tear drops.  It reminded me of Jesus talking to Martha when Lazarus died.  Her brother had just died and she said to Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  Jesus saw her weeping and those with her and then it says that He wept.  (John 11)  I know that His weeping was because of our fallen world and that results in sorrow and death but I also know He loved this family.
     I was reminded how much the Lord loves Matt and I.  How much He loves my friend.  He hurts when we hurt.  He is a loving God.  That also means He is going to do what's best for us.  He is building in us endurance, character and hope. (Romans 5:3-4)  He is in complete control and He does answer prayer.  My friend turned out to be fine (for now) and I cried again as I got this news.
     Man, life is hard!  It makes me long for heaven.  As I continue to wait for a job for Matt, give my friend's health up to the hands of Jesus, look at Him with a clearer focus, I just want to remember that He cares.  He loves us.  We are His.  He isn't up in heaven with a metal rod moving things as He pleases without any care on how it affects us.  He weeps for us.  With us.  Something so simple but a comfort to remember because I easily forget.  Sometimes the more theology (stuff about God) you know, the more it can cloud the simplicity of what is true.  His love.  His care.  His concern.  His best.
     No matter what you are going through, whatever you are waiting for, whatever answer that hasn't come yet.  He loves and cares for you too. Praise Him.

The Heart Wants what it Wants

     As I should be studying John for an upcoming lecture,  I am thankful to the Lord that He has taken me to Philippians.  I have been in a funk the last couple of days.  It could be that I have been sick but also I have really been asking the Lord for some things and frankly, He has not answered in the timely manner that I would like.  I begged Him yesterday for some answers and He remained silent.  Normally I wouldn't mind sharing with y'all the desires of my heart but I know it would turn into…"You and Matt deserve it with all you've been through." or  " I totally understand."
     As I was reading through Philippians today Paul writes,

"Indeed, I count everything as loss, because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ." 

 I just looked at that and thought…"But the heart wants what it wants….. and it wants!"  Really,  I want to say that I count everything as loss but I don't.  I "want" bad.  Yesterday I read in Philippians 2:13

"For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." 

 That verse tells me two things.  One,  it is God who does the work in me.  I can't do it.  My heart is sinful and selfish so I need Him.  But secondly, it tells me that the work is for HIS good pleasure.  Not mine.  His ultimate will will be done in my life to accomplish His purpose.  As much as that hurts sometimes, I get it.  Philippians 2:5  says why.  So that "you shine as lights in the world." Frankly, most times we shine brighter through trials than we do with out them.  I have had more conversations with people going through hard times because of the hard times I have been through.
     So how does God do that work in me?  verse 16 says,"Holding fast to the Word of Life."  I have to cling to Him.  Be in God's word so that He can comfort me.  Abide in Him.  Let Him transform my heart and mind. Even when it stings and I have this internal struggle.
     Yet, if you think He doesn't care, Paul reminds us in 4:19

"And My God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Not every want but every need.  And sometimes we get mixed up what we want and what we need.  My heart wants what it wants….and it wants…but clinging to my Savior with hope that He will turn those wants into something similar to His.

"O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander,Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for They courts above."

2015 The Best Year Yet?

Happy New Year everyone!  I have spent sometime reflecting on 2014 and thinking about the new  year…..like everyone else.  2014 gave us some highs and lows.  The biggest high was Matt's leukemia being in remission.  We got our daddy and husband back.  He has regained strength and has been able to start doing things with us as a family, church, soccer games and friends.  We have LOVED it.  He is in year two of his (hopefully) 3 year treatment.  His dr. visits are now limited to 2 a month and he just  got the OK to start looking for a job. 

2014 was also tough.  I lost my dad and grandma a month apart.  My dad's illness was rough for a while before he passed away and I still think about all that that entails but I do believe that my dad believed the gospel and is in heaven.  My grandma (his mom)  loved the Lord and after my dad died, her whole immediate family was gone and she just wanted to get to heaven to be with them.  My grandma was a prayer warrior and sometimes I thought the Lord kept her alive specifically so that we would continue to be prayed for.  I'm so happy that they are together and I'm thankful for the hope we have in heaven to see them again.  My mom has taken care of them for so long that now that they are gone, there is a void for sure.  I'm praying for my mom's grief, and her future decisions.  

This marked Lucy's first season of soccer.  While her games were…..entertaining as the "Cotton Candy Girls", Ivy's team was more competitive and this mama loved it!  I have thanked the girls for playing soccer for me.(wink) I'm waiting for them to tell me to get out on the field and "do it myself"  as I call out some "helpful instruction". (No matter that I have never played the sport before in my life! haha)

I have read so many comments that 2015 is going to be the best year yet.  Some people have struggled through trials, breakups, job loss, sickness, devastation in the year 2014, and as I want to say that for the Elliott's I hope that this is our best year yet, I can't do it.  Why?  Because I have learned after all these years that life is hard, trials come, sickness comes, death is real.

 Listen, I want Matt to get a job this year that can support our family, I NEED to lose weight, I want a breath of fresh air from hardship, I have vowed to take better care of my 42 year old skin and body.
But really, whatever the year brings, I want to cling to Jesus.  I want to study Him to know Him better. Less head knowledge, more heart.  Enter into a deeper relationship because I know that whatever 2015 brings, I'm going to need Him.

This year brought a lot I'm thankful for.  I saw my husband crawl back from being at death's door, the Lord financially took care of our needs.  I've made deeper friendships in Tennessee.  I enjoyed my girls.    My dad met Jesus face to face!

I struggle with a lot of material wants.  I can yell out how I think apartment living is not for me. :)  There are some stores I could live at.  But I am starting to see that my happiness and contentment has nothing to do with things and places (as much as I think they do)  and it's more to do with Him.  I hope that on paper that this is our best year yet but if it's not.  I choose Him.  Whatever we are going to go through, I'll go with Him and the 3 other people He has blessed me with.  Here's to see what 2015 brings…bring it on!

#teamdad

Psalm 118:28-29 " You are my God, and I will give thanks to you; you are my God; I will extol you.  Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever!"

Thank you all so much for your prayers as Matt's biopsy results came in yesterday.  My short answer is that there is still no leukemia in his bone marrow!  Praise the Lord!  We were so excited to hear that.
He starts his new round of chemo on Monday (if his cold goes away, so pray that it goes away!)  This is a six week treatment.  If after the end of the treatment, the next biopsy shows no leukemia, then he goes into the maintenance stage for the next couple of years.  It is much easier on his body.  We were elated to hear this because we didn't know that we could get to maintenance so soon.  There are still a lot of hurdles to cross and we ask for your prayers.  Matt has to be able to endure the full doses of chemo during these next 6 weeks.  That is something that his body has not been able to take in the past and our goal is to keep him out of the hospital.

The Dr. explained to us yesterday that every time he has to lower Matt's doses of chemo treatment, the curability rate goes down so the goal is always to give him the maximum amount of drugs for the maximum amount of time.  He didn't let go of the subject of a bone marrow transplant, saying that if Matt couldn't handle this last part of treatment that we might need to discuss it.  He talked with us about the risks of that and also that our insurance would not be covered there so we would have to leave our Dr. and our treatment facility and go somewhere else.  Of course we don't want to do any of that and we are asking the Lord to see us through these (hopefully) final weeks of intense treatment.

All four of us have lingering colds so we are praying that it leaves us fast.

It was such a blessing to share the news with the girls last night and sit together and thank the Lord for his protection, for the cancer to still be in remission and to pray for the future.  Lucy keeps reminding us that we are team dad and we can do it!  I am so thankful for these girls!

God is so gracious and kind.  It is during our darkest moments that He is the most near.  I love these times with the Lord for that.  I'm so thankful for the way He has provided for us and for the way we have been ministered to.  I keep thinking of the words to the hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness"……

"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth, Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide; Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.  Blessings all mine and ten thousand beside!

Thank you for your continued prayers and for being on #teamdad!

Though He slay me, yet I will Hope in Him.

I know that I should update this blog more often.  Even for my own memory since so many things become a blur.  I kind of wait until the Lord puts something on my heart or there is a major update.  I will update you on Matt.  He was in the hospital last week for four days because of dehydration.  He couldn't eat anything and he couldn't keep anything down.  He has lost around 60 pounds since his diagnosis 5 months ago.  The hardest part is when his spirits get down.  When he is discouraged and lonely.  Lonely but is not up for visitors and lots of phone calls.  This time entering the hospital was maybe the worst he has looked, thus me taking him to the hospital.

Matt had a doctor's appointment today where the Dr. told him that they are going to not go ahead with the next two chemo treatments.  He was getting a drug called Methatrexate and people either respond really well to it or responds really bad.  So…. they think he has enough of it in his body and they are going to forgo the rest.  They are going to give him another couple of weeks of rest (to get his blood counts up again)  and then they are going to give him another bone marrow biopsy to see if they see any cancer.  If there is not leukemia, then he can start a new kind of chemo and keep going.  If there is leukemia that has come back, the Dr. wants to talk to us about a stem cell transplant.  That kind of rocked our world as we had thought that we were past talking about that.  It actually kind of scared both of us. So, we wait until his counts come back up and he is stronger, then have the biopsy and wait for the results.  Please pray that no cancer has returned.

People have asked how I am doing and what I am learning.  A friend said it best on Sunday, I might not see what the Lord is teaching me until this is behind us.  Really some days I cling to the Lord and bury my face in Scripture to comfort my soul, read it to Matt to comfort his.  Some days (most days) I am like a zombie, going through the motions of life.  Busy life, trying to make it as normal of a life for the girls as I can.  I take things day by day as I don't know what the day is going to bring.  Honestly,  I (we) are just trying to make it through.  Make it to the other side.  Day by day.  I constantly tell Matt that if can make it through the day, he has won the day.  It doesn't matter if it was hard or easy, he conquered it.

People have asked me what books I have read to help me.  Besides the bible, maybe none.  Who has time to read?  ha ha  Maybe I should but as Matt doesn't want to hear about/ talk about cancer and chemo all the time, I don't either.  Some might help but right now I'm studying for a bible study I am teaching a lesson on.  Maybe after that…..

One thing that I have thought about is that Matt and I have been through a lot together (job loss, infertility, adoptions, losing a baby through adoption, losing our house and moving and now leukemia) Through each trial, the Lord has taught me more about a certain character of Him or some theme.  Longing for babies, He taught me about His faithfulness.  Adopting our girls and even losing Sissy, He taught me His Sovereignty and love.  One thing I have thought more of in this trial than in any is hope.  I have never really focused on hope before until now.

I do have hope.  Knowing that Jesus hears my prayers when I beg Him on behalf of my family brings me hope.  Knowing that this life is not all there is, that I have a future in heaven gives me hope.  Knowing that He loves Matt, Ivy, Lucy and I gives me hope.  Seeing Him working miracles in our situation gives me hope.  Knowing He walks beside me gives me hope.

Job 13:15  "Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him."

It's Not Even Christmas Yet

Days are flying by during this Christmas season.  Cards and gifts have been piling in, with one of the best gifts of all,  Matt being home from the hospital.  Today is Ivy's birthday and the celebrating started well before 7am.  As the girls and I were running out the door to meet friends for a birthday brunch,  there were loads of presents by our front door and a birthday present for Ivy, all without a card.  When we got to brunch,  my friend Kelli handed me an anonymous  card with money in it for our family.  We had breakfast that I didn't even pay for, we met with friends this afternoon who spoiled my family. I got the mail and there was an anonymous gift card to the grocery store in my mailbox. We have more presents tomorrow than what we would have had if Matt was healthy and working.

 As we were driving home this afternoon, I started praying, feeling so overwhelmed at the love and blessings being given to our family.  It feels so undeserved.  I talked to the girls about reasons why we think the Lord has been giving over and abundantly to us, explaining to them that we don't deserve any of it.  There are people whose family members are sick,  people who work so hard for their money and never get ahead, who struggle and stress about how to provide a present for their kids.

 Then I started thinking about all of the things that Jesus does for us on a daily basis.  He came to earth as a baby, sinless and died on the cross for my sin.  He offers forgiveness to me on a daily basis.  He cares, protects, and is faithful.  He works things for my good all the time, some things I notice and some I don't and take for granted.  He takes my anger and frustration when I am overwhelmed and gives me blessing in return.

My husband here, living, home for Christmas was more than enough.  The rest is icing.  Honestly,  I still don't know what to do with it all.  I am overwhelmed.  God is gracious, loving and  kind.  I am coming out of the hardest week and a half that I've had since the beginning of this trial and He helped me make it through.  I told Ivy that sometimes Jesus gives us the things that we dread to show us that He is with us,  we can make it.  We will overcome.  Today I sit overwhelmed by His kindness and the kindness of others.  Thank you for loving my family.  Thank you Father for not only Your provision but the abundance of it.  We don't deserve it, don't deserve You.  I'm feeling blessed and it's not even Christmas yet.

Thankful

Thanksgiving 2013

Franklin,Tennessee

I might be late to the party.  We are in the middle of December, but I have been walking around so thankful today that I had to sit down and write.  I wanted to start a thankfulness post so many times last month but, Friend, I've had things to do.  As far as how I'm doing, I am taking things one day at a time.  I get such encouraging texts and notes, "I don't know how you do it." "You're amazing." " You always have a smile."….Truth is, I am hanging on for dear life! Holding on by my fingertips at times.  Learning to call on Jesus…literally…out loud….even saying "Jesus, take the wheel."  Haha  I am serious!  I am learning that I don't have to do it alone.  He is waiting to help me, even if it is to encourage my heart.  He has been so faithful to do that so many times.

Before I get into anything else I will update you on Matt.  He is feeling OK.  He has been in the hospital 3 times since his initial release.  He gets admitted every time his temperature is 100 degrees or more. I always knew my husband was hot (wink)  but they do need to monitor him.  It could be fatal if he lets his fever stay high.  So…the goal is always to reduce the fever and check for viruses.  Matt and I both talk about how hard it is for him to be there and away from us (it is especially hard on Ivy)  but we both feel really safe when he is there.  They catch everything that is going on with him and that makes us both feel secure.  But…we want him home!

He has started to get sick from the chemo.  He has lost over 30 pounds and eats about a 1/3 of what he used to.  He reads a lot but lays down most of the day.  That has been hard on him.  His spirits.  I encourage him almost daily to just focus on the day, get through the day.  I try hard to let him deal with things the way he does without preaching as I am not in his shoes.  I have found myself starting to tell him how he should be looking at things, then stop myself.  I have no idea what he is going through, so I just pray him through it.  

And me….. I guess I can start by sharing a story to illustrate how the Lord has been blessing my life.  I  have been very overwhelmed.  My schedule is fuller than a full time job.  I never have a day at home anymore and when I do it is filled with "to do's" that I have been forced to neglect.  I never know how long I will be in Nashville with Matt on a given day, people need things from me, I have to clean ( I am failing at this) because Matt can't be around germs since he doesn't even have one white blood cell in his body, I'm in the middle of studying for an upcoming lecture…(not complaining but painting the picture) anyways, I was at work (Preschool 2 days a week) and I was thinking about Ivy's upcoming birthday, deciding on the day that I could carve out to bring treats to her class, what the treats would be, I always add a candy cane since her birthday is Christmas Eve…..I had made tags for the candy canes and a mom in my class asked about Matt (I had just told her the week before about his leukemia).  She asked how I was doing and I might have poured my heart out about Ivy's birthday.  Didn't mean to, just verbally vomited the words when she asked.  She ended it by asking what she could do.  I said I would let her know, knowing full well I would never ask her for help in something like this.  I went through out the day praying about it and telling myself that there is only so much I can do in a day and let it go.  She showed up at the end of the day with party bags filled with treats for Ivy's class.  Tied with a candy cane.  I almost cried.  I did.  What a blessing she was from the Lord.

Here are others that I am thankful for….

All the people who have given to us financially.  From the Paypal account, individual cards, gift cards….Especially with the Paypal, I don't always know who donated and how to send a thank you.  Matt and I are blown away!  Thank you doesn't even begin to describe it.  If you would have seen me at the beginning of Matt's diagnosis, I was gripped with fear on how Matt and I were going to live and make it through this.  I still don't know the future on that but the Lord has definitely shown us that He is providing for us, through you!  Please accept my sincerest thank you.  Words don't seem enough but it's all I have.

I have a friend who I am so thankful for.  The Lord has used her to change our lives in this trial.  Our situation would look very different if it wasn't for her.  I could tell you countless ways in which the Lord has used her to help with hospital bills, food, Christmas presents….so many things, I could fill a book.  I don't use her name because she would not like that and she gives all glory to the Lord.  All I know is when I am talking to the Lord about her, it brings tears to my eyes.  She is a treasure.

Blessing from the Lord.  I stopped my car yesterday at the front desk of our storage unit place.  The man who owns the units had given us 6 months of free storage when he heard about Matt.  Since I am hardly there, I haven't had a chance to talk to him.  I went in and told him who I was, I could tell that he knew immediately.  I told him how thankful Matt and I were for him.  He was uncomfortable and kept looking at his computer, and he was really uncomfortable when I started to get choked up.  I started to laugh telling him it had been a long day but I wanted to say Merry Christmas.  I am thankful for the storage owner.  

I am thankful for my parents coming last week.  My dad has not been in the greatest health and it was nice to have them here.  My mom did homework with Ivy, played cards, did laundry,etc.  They stayed with my girls while I rushed Matt to the ER on this latest hospital visit.  My mom asked Matt if he was in the hospital to avoid a visit with his in laws. I am so thankful that I finally got to see my parents.  

Surprises in the mail.  We have gotten some fun packages from friends and I am so thankful.  It really makes a difference in our lives.  I told Matt that it feels like the Lord is saying, " I am not going to take this trial from you.  Matt is still going to have cancer for the time being, but here is something to make you feel loved, special, thought of, cared for."  It truly does.  Thank you so much!  We keep every card in a box that Ivy decorated at the beginning of Matt's diagnosis.  If there was a gift included, I write it in the card to remember.  We will keep it forever.

The countless friends who have my girls over for playmates when I need it, my friend Lisa who picks up Ivy from the bus more than I do.  I could not do any of this without you.  That is a true statement.  My girls love each and every one of you!  Thank you for allowing me to focus on Matt while you have my girls.

I know I have talked about my church family, the Iversons, and how much they have meant to us.  Our love runs deep for them all.  I have now more than ever seen this blessing from the Lord that He created to encourage our hearts together in Him while we are here on earth.  Life is hard, God is good and He knits us together.  Such a blessing.

My girls.  I have one who is my sensitive helper.  She knows when I need her, when I need help, when dad needs to rest, one who I can cry with at times (not as much as in the beginning).  Then my other one who wants to snuggle, kiss, laugh, dance.  God gave me the best of both worlds in these two.

Those who constantly text me and write me notes of encouragement.  Even if I don't answer every text or note, I LOVE them all and it keeps me going.

I tell Matt to just get through the day, sometimes I tell myself the exact same thing for different reasons, but the Lord is definitely using this trial to mold me into something I was not (another post, another time).  Today, I'm just thankful.

Release

I know people have been waiting for updates.  I just haven't known what to write.  I could write a blog post about how tired I am or how selfish I am. (wink) People ask me how I'm doing and I say fine, because for the most part I am.  Then when things slow down and I have a minute, or I'm at church and we sing a certain song and I am still long enough to focus on the words, that's when I get a lump in my throat and I fight the tears.  I think I finally said it best today while texting with a friend and I was cleaning, disinfecting everything and I was starting to cry.  I wrote," The problem is , I don't know which part of all of this I am crying about."

For those of you who are not on instagram or Facebook, Lucy got the flu and Matt got a high temperature which put him back in the hospital.  His treatment is postponed until next week and they are going to keep him overnight and then re evaluate.  Lucy has eaten twice now without throwing up so she might be getting better.  Ivy was asked to go to the movies and lunch this afternoon so I think that makes up for the fact that Lucy was sleeping with her last night and got sick in HER bed.

How am I doing?  I'm tired ya'll.  My friend told me last week that one of the reasons all of this is such a shock to me is that Matt is a great daddy and husband and has always helped me a lot.  While that wasn't the case last year because of his work schedule, I've  had a lot of help from Matt the last 7 years of parenting.  He would help give a quick bath or do some dishes.  Now I am solo, plus adding doing everything for him on top of it.  And having  work and other outside activities. Don't get me wrong.  I love doing it for him (most of the time…another wink).  I have even thanked the Lord for this opportunity to learn to serve my family better, serve Matt, think more outside myself…. but that doesn't mean it's easy.  I definitely have had to work at giving myself an attitude adjustment at times and just give it all to the Lord to gain the right perspective.

Before you say…."Aren't you concerned about Matt and his health?"  Yes, I am.  But I know he can be doing much worse.  I try to take care of him and if I even see him struggling to stay awake or take his temperature I am there waiting to see the result.  I seem to have one eye on what I'm doing and one eye on him.  But I constantly remind him that we could be in a much worse situation and we need to be thanking the Lord for how well Matt has been doing.  As much as I want him home tonight, I do feel safe with him at the hospital being monitored and getting more meds, away from all of our germs.

This basket of goodies on my doorstep this afternoon.

I sound like a broken record when I say I am so thankful for my friends.  Texts this morning offering to take Ivy and Lucy for me this afternoon.  I finally let Ivy go to the movies with a friend and then I had these goodies at the door for Lucy and I.  I cleaned the whole apartment so I can rest this afternoon from being up all night with Lucy.  ( Can I just say,  I complain about living in an apartment until I have to really clean it.  Then 1000 sq ft. isn't so bad.)  I'm thankful for the example of others.  I think of my friend Jan, in the own trial, she has focused her mind on Christ and has looked to Him to be the ultimate comforter.  I think of my mom and all that she has been enduring trying to sell their house, take care of my dad, work full time.  I will not forget her words this summer as I didn't want to leave her and go home and she said, " You can go, I have Jesus."  

I was praying really hard for this sweet lady from our church this weekend who was in a coma.  I prayed for her all day on Friday and Friday she woke up.  I pictured smoke rising to heaven, an offering  in the form of prayers to God from His people.  So pleasing to Him, that His children would turn to Him for requests concerning our dear sister.  This morning as I knew people were praying for Matt I thought the same thing.  How pleased the Lord is that we all turn to Him and make our requests known.  I'm so thankful that He has even given us that relationship to Him.

I'm actually looking forward to getting into bed this afternoon.  Listening to good music, spending time with the Lord and letting the tears flow and just RELEASE.  Keep praying! 

Home Update

I know that people have been waiting for an update from me.  As most of  you know, Matt came home on Wednesday night.  I have tried to upload the video of Matt surprising the girls but it's not working.  If we are friends on facebook then you have seen it.  I cleaned for 6 hours the day before Matt got home to make sure everything was sanitized.  I had a break down talking to him on the phone the next day because I was so scared of him getting sick at home but I didn't know how I could keep up the cleaning schedule.  He reminded me that his health was in the Lord's hands and I had to stop trying to control it.  I have never seen a man more excited to be home.  My friend Ami set the most amazing dinner on our doorstep and we kept commenting that it was like Christmas dinner!

Matt getting his pills organized with what to take each day.

He has been taking it easy, driving Ivy to her bus stop.  We live on the second floor, so the walk to and from the car, plus the stairs are enough to wear him out right now.  We went to the dr. for his first appointment and his blood counts were AMAZING!  They have already removed some restrictions that they had put on him.  Most of his counts were in the normal range! 

Matt's WBC 4.3 (normal range 4.6/10.6) ...Matt's platelets 173 (normal range 142/424) ...Matt's NE# 2.09  (normal range 2.00/7.80)

 Praise God!  When Matt got in the car and told me, I could not even believe it.  It truly is a gift from the Lord.  I sat there thinking, I didn't know you could have leukemia and get so much good news.  We still have a long way to go and things can change day to day but I am praising God for all that has been coming our way. He has a bone marrow biopsy on Monday and he will still do at least a year of outpatient chemotherapy.   He is still going to be a hermit for a while and take everything slow and easy but he's doing great.  

The Lord has been blessing us in other ways, packages from friends, cards, gift cards and we even got a HUGE package from our credit card company that heard about Matt.  They sent tons of books and toys for the girls ( I took half of it out to save for Christmas).  Matt and I are definitely living month to month but the Lord has taken care of us each month and in the most unique ways.  

It still makes me sad when the girls and I are going somewhere and we have to leave MAtt at home and go by ourselves because he can't be out with a lot of other people but I am reminding Ivy and myself, how much the Lord has blessed us.  People have had a much rougher road than us and have endured it with a lot less encouragement that Matt and I have had.  We feel such a strong love of friends, the Church, our community.  It has been so beautiful to see.  

Please keep praying for Matt.  We still have a long road but I am so glad to walk this road together.  Thank you and we love you!  #teamdad

Kelli's Update

Taken after lunch this afternoon

I know that we are about due for an update.  I will start with Matt.  He is doing really good.  He is responding to medicine really well and has had minimal side affects.  I notice that he is a lot more tired so he takes more naps and he says that he has (what feels like) heartburn.  That has really been it.  The Dr's continue to fill him with blood and platelets.  Tests are coming back good but I have (wisely) been advised to not put my trust in Dr's tests and what they say but continue to put my trust in the Lord.  Matt's parents left yesterday and he has had more visitors which he looks forward to when he is up to it.  

As for how I am doing.....I have mentally written this part of the blog over a couple of times.  I share because I don't know how to be anything but honest and this blog is kind of like a diary.  WHY I make my diary public, I don't know.....some of my friends don't know.( I laugh as I write that)  But I feel better.  Would it really do anybody any good if I just share the times when my faith and trust in the Lord are strong and unwavering?  Then you wouldn't think that I am being honest.  When you hurt and struggle, you wouldn't think that I could relate at all.  Well I can.

I actually had a really good day yesterday, soccer game, pictures, washed cars, clean apartment.  As we were talking to Matt last night, he asked me to bring him some chips.  That was it.  I got mad and irritated.  I said, "Matt, I am dealing with money, bills, insurance, the girls, schedules, babysitting, bible study, cleaning and your chips are the last thing I am going to worry about."I ranted to him about packed days, schedules,etc. while he listened and apologized.  Then, of course, I felt bad and apologized.  We got off the phone and I knew my attitude was bad,  I tucked the girls in and said prayers (while in my head thinking that here I was alone doing all of this by myself again.)  I was irritated knowing that I needed a spiritual spanking.  I prayed for the Lord to take it all from me, did part of my bible study, hoping that Jesus was going to have me read something that was going to change my attitude and heart.  I went to bed and woke up feeling the same.

This morning on my way to church I was still praying about it, when we got to church and I stood there singing(or listening) , something that my friend had said in a conversation at bible study came into my head.  We were talking about the book of Psalms in the bible.  How that book is a very emotional book and filled with people crying out to God.  My friend had said,"God can take your anger at Him."  I started to cry.  It was as if the Holy Spirit told me exactly what was bothering me.  I was mad at Him.  I don't want to be.  I just stood there thinking.....  I don't want to be a spokesperson for trials.  I don't want to be a cancer advocate.  I don't want to "hold down the fort" all by myself.  I don't want to drive to Nashville everyday and find places for Lucy to go.  I don't want to be used by Him in this way.  I don't want this to be God's best for me and my family.  I don't even want this to be my attitude.  I don't want this bad attitude in my heart.  

Then to make matters worse,  I started to think of all of the people working so hard for my family.  Even with this terrible attitude, the Lord is working on blessing my family.  He can take it.  All of it.  And still working everything for my good.  My best.  

I wish there was another way.  Another way for Him to be glorified, teach me lessons, minister to others.  So what was my conclusion today?  What answer did I come to?  It's not all about me.  I'm so glad that He offers forgiveness.  He died for my attitude.  I need Him. 

 Standing there in church I told him simply that I trust Him.  I don't like it.  I don't get it.  But I trust Him.  

Fundraisers for Matt

For someone who loves to write on her blog, I wish someone else was writing this post.  It feels weird for me to be writing this but since people check here for updates, I am here to highlight a couple of fundraisers that people have set up for our family.  Although,  Matt and I do not want to be the ones asking people for money, we acknowledge that God has already shown us that He has put it on people's hearts to bless our family and I know that is one way He chooses to give us what we need.  I also want people's hard work that the Lord put on their own hearts to be successful.  Matt and I have been surprised and overwhelmed by people's creativity and ideas that they have  thought of.

I guess now is as good a time as any to really share what our needs are.  I look at them as two fold.  One,  Matt is going to be out of work for at least one year.  We are looking into and have applied for a program that will provide us with a percentage of what his salary was.  The rest...... we haven't thought of the rest and we don't know when we will start getting that assistance.  I will say that I have speedily given all of the nessesary paperwork in to get the ball rolling.

The second is that before our insurance pays anything, we have a $10,000 deductible.  Every year.  (His treatment is going to be at least 3 years).

I am not going to lie.  I have freaked out a little but I have chosen to concentrate on Matt and the girls and I have chosen to remind myself of all of the ways the Lord has provided for us in the past.  And......I haven't gotten a bill in the mail yet which makes it a little easier to push aside.  But.... it's coming.  Soon.

So let's get off that topic and let me tell you about some amazing opportunities that have come our way.

The first one is THIS SATURDAY, September 28 in Valencia, California.  Kristen Wells, author of the book, "The Warring Soul"  is having a book signing at Baker's Gourmet Coffee and Pastries, 23880 Copperhill Drive from 1-3pm.  All proceeds go to Matt.  There will be donation jars and an auction with amazing prizes such as a photography session, hair cut, desserts, and a vacation!  You can "like" the Warring Soul on facebook to get information or go to her website where she has an article about Matt and his best friend, Greg, who is Kristen's husband.

The second is a page a friend set up as a paypal page to donate to Matt.  You can click on the right side of my blog to go straight there or youcaring.com/teamdad  You can also "like" this page or share it on Facebook.

I happen to think that my friends are pretty awesome and creative.  Today I came home and recieved gifts and cards with donations in the mail.  Daily reminders that God will provide.  Matt and I are so thankful for all of you.  We don't want anyone to feel obligated to give money.  Actually prayer is what has lifted up my heavy heart the most.  I'm thankful that while I am concentrating on the needs of my girls and husband, that the Lord is working in the hearts of people we love and that love us to accomplish His will for our family.  So, thank you everyone.

OK.....enough about money!  I'm going to get back to concentrating on Matt.

The Journey Continues....

I feel like I need to write more often to let people know how we are doing.  Matt is doing really good.  The Dr. said that he is taking everything (medicine wise) really good and responding well.  He had a spinal tap last week that showed no leukemia in his spinal fluid!  I have noticed that he is tired more and he had a hard time sleeping last night because of tingles in his legs.  I had a really good day with him and we laughed ALOT!  Our favorite nurse was working and Matt told the whole team of Dr.'s that she had not been tending to him all morning!  You should have seen her face!  She had actually been in a lot.  All the Dr.s were laughing....Oh Matt!

The Lord showed us that He is watching over our needs.  We had three visitors from Matt's work and they told us that he had a couple bonuses coming that we didn't know about and they had also taken a collection from all of the fellow managers and some customers.  I think I am going to have enough money to pay our bills next month!  We are working to apply for some disability and that will take some time.  I feel like the Lord wants me to depend daily for our needs and to watch Him work.  Matt will be out of work for at least a year.  I remind myself that the Lord already knew that, He allowed it, and while I freaked out at first.... and don't get me wrong, I still fight the urge to freak out.  I am working hard to loosen my grip and let the Lord do His will.  I am finding more answers than I knew before and I am trying to just focus on Matt and the girls and let the Lord do the rest.

Lucy got a bad cold this week and I still pushed her and that resulted in her and I missing both days of preschool this week.  It was rest we both needed and I tried to use my time wisely and get things done.  Matt's parents are here to see him and they watched Lucy today so I could spend the day with him.

Here are some thoughts from the week......

It is so funny to be going through something terrible yet feel so much blessing.

First my love for Matt.  I told Ivy yesterday that I love her daddy more now than I ever have.  He is my best friend.  When we go through a trial, we just get better.  I love him so much and how much he tells me that he is going to fight for his three girls.  I start to cry every time I say goodbye to Him at the hospital. I don't know how different he is going to feel when I return.  Today he told me how much he loved me and I felt it.  He told me that he watches me out the window walk to my car and today I stopped across the street and turned and waved at the hospital.  I didn't even know what window it was but he saw me.  I might have felt a tad stupid but I wanted to wave one more time.  #iluvmatt

I am overwhelmed by the love of my friends and the body of Christ.  Our family feels so loved by packages, texts, letters, facebook messages.  I can't believe how you can be scared and broken hearted and yet feel so loved and lifted up at the same time.  #iluvmyfriendsandfamily

The Lord knew what He was doing giving me Ivy and Lucy. They are so different but I need them both! Ivy is so tenderhearted.  There have been times when I have started to pray with them at night and I just fall apart.  I cry HARD and Ivy rubs my back telling me that sometimes it's good to let your body cry.  We cry as I try to point her to Christ.  He is the One we cry out to.  He is the great Healer for our daddy.  We beg Him through tears together.  My friend Ashley says that when you cry in front of your kids, they see who you are turning to in times of heartache.  I've done that with Ivy (although I try not to cry in front of her too much.)  Then there is Lulu.  Man.  She has been my source of laughter and entertainment.  I swear she is getting a southern accent and she is as funny as ever.  She has times where she sincerely tells me that she misses her daddy.  I agree with her and we keep going.

So...the journey continues.  I feel like a rambled long but my thoughts are endless.

Psalm 34:18 " The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

The Only Way Out is Through

I have quoted lines from this sermon so much over the last couple of years that I finally decided to post it.  I think every Christian should take the time to listen to this.  My pastor Byron preached this sermon in 2011 when we weren't even living in Nashville but I have listened to it so many times, including today.  If you are not a Christian but you are wanting to know where my focus has been, then here it is. Leave a comment and tell me how it has ministered to your own life.  I would love for ya'll to take time and listen to it.

The Day I Met Kirk Cameron

I had a sweet lady from church share a story with me today that had reminded her of a story I told at our first women's breakfast at church.  I think I might have shared this story on a previous blog while talking about Ivy's adoption story but I thought I would sit down and write it again.  I have always wanted Kirk to hear this story and who knows.....

This story goes back almost 9 years ago while still living in California.  Wow!  I can't believe it!  I am getting old.  haha  Anyways,  Matt and I had been trying to have a baby for a while and had turned to infertility treatments to try and help us.  It was a hard, scary, lonely, depressing trial that the Lord had us in.  Things had not been working in our favor.  My doctor was in Thousand Oaks and I would have to drive from Santa Clarita (about 45 minutes on a good day) every other day.  I would go by myself because Matt could not take that much time off work.  My work was generous with my time but it would still stress me out.

This was a particularly hard day because I was feeling really emotional.  I had tried to be strong for so long and I was at the end of my rope.  I tried to hurry through the appointment because I was getting ready to cry and I didn't want to do it in front of the doctor.  I got in the car and just sat there.  I couldn't even pull away.  I started to pray.  One of those prayers when you have nothing left.  You are so broken and weak and you NEED Christ to take the reigns. (Or wheel...thank you Carrie Underwood)  I told the Lord that I was so down and I had been discouraged without good news for so long that I needed something from Him.  I wasn't asking Him to make me pregnant or to hurry us out of the trial but I needed something from Him to show me that He was there.  That He saw me.  That He was going to lift me up.  I remember that I reaffirmed to Him that I would try hard to press on and be a testimony for Him.

(Insert background:  Jr high and high school.  I was one of those girls that LOVED Kirk Cameron.  I would pray for his salvation because we couldn't be married if he wasn't saved.  HAHA  Oh young girls!  As an adult when people would play the game of what celebrity they would want to meet and people would say, Brad and Angelina or Tom Cruise, I would always say Kirk Cameron.  WHAT?  I would get a good laugh.  It got really embarrassing when some of my friends actually became friends with the Cameron family and they always said..."I have this friend Kelli."  UGH!  I would have never said anything if I knew that! haha)

Back to my story.....

I got in my car and drove to a gas station and I saw a guy that had a 80's look about him.  It was not Kirk Cameron but it made me think of him and I literally said, " Now Lord.  That would make my day!"  Like.  Yes Lord.  That would for sure cheer me up (meeting Kirk Cameron).  I kind of chuckled on the inside.  On my way out of town I stopped at Jamba Juice to get a drink on my way back for work and who was there, reading his bible outside of Jamba Juice?  KIRK CAMERON!!!!

I. ABOUT. DIED.   I wanted to call Matt.  (You know.  My husband.  The one I love and actually DID marry.)  Matt had always told me that if I ever saw him I had to say hello because he never wanted to hear me talk for the rest of my life of what our conversation could have been.

So in obedience to my husband, I walked up to him. (with no plan mind you) and I started talking.  100 miles a minute.  Really fast.  I think I talked about John MacArthur.  Kirk's Christian testimony.  I don't know.  I just know I talked.  He listened.  I think he was fascinated with my speed in conversation.  There may have been a point where I felt the need to stop and leave.   I remember ending with "Keep up the good work."  And he said, "You too " and gave me a thumbs up.  HAHAHA  I can't stop laughing as I type this because of what he must have thought.

I got in the car and called Matt at work....SCREAMING.... then my parents, friends, bible study leader.  When I got to school it was my topic of the day.  I even shared it with a couple of my music classes.  They had no idea who I was talking about being in  Kindergarten through Sixth grade.

As I laid in bed that night.  I let out a happy sigh and started to think about my whole day and the Lord brought to mind my prayer in the car.  My discouraged, sad, pleading prayer to my Lord to lift me up because I couldn't anymore.  To give me a break in the sadness and despair.  To let me know that He was listening.  I started to cry.  Hard.  So thankful.

I know that my earthly happiness was never going to depend on if I ever met Kirk Cameron.  It wasn't that important.  People laugh and don't believe me but when I think about my meeting Kirk it really isn't about Kirk.   It was about the love that the Lord has for me.  When I hurt.  He cares.  When I'm in despair.  He hears.

I sang at a church the night his mom spoke at the same event.  I tried to share this story with her but as I got going I felt silly.  I hate it that I was "one of those girls."   I am thankful for their family and it is amazing to see how the Lord has used them all and brought their whole family to Himself.

 

Oh and...I love you Matt.  You are the only one for me!

Just Do....Today

I saw this quote today and I thought it was perfect to start the year with, especially after a day like yesterday.  You know one of those days where you are tired, lose your temper with your kids, etc.  Yes, well yesterday was worse than that.  I was tired and hormonal.  Can I just say that I feel more hormonal now than ever?  My mom might say my early teens were worse and maybe they were but I needed a good grounding spanking yesterday.  As a matter of fact, Matt got home and an hour into it, he sent me to my room.  Yep, he did.  And I went.  After the girls went to bed I went out to ask for his forgiveness (the girls too) and I started to cry.  He just stared at me.  He said nothing and just stared.  Ha ha.  I know that sometimes 3 girls are a lot and I am the biggest girl he has to deal with. I went to bed at 8pm and slept until almost 7am.  A NEW WOMAN.   (By the way,  I started my day today with a text to him telling him how much I love him and he WILL come home to a happy and peaceful home tonight.)

I started a new eating plan yesterday ( just eating as clean as I can and omitting all the sugar I can) and I did really good.  I had yummy meals, didn't count calories but defiantly ate less than usual.  When I get nervous about it I think "Just do today".  And today has been pretty good.

Matthew 6:34 " Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself."

Elliott Christmas Card 2012

                                           Here is our Christmas newsletter for the year 2012.

"Morning by Morning new mercies I see.  All I have needed Thy hand hath provided, Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto Me."

     Our family has thought about those words a lot over the last two years.  From where we started to where we ended up has been quite the wild adventure.  Watching God work, giving us all we have needed daily has been such a blessing.  For those of you who don't know all of the crazy details, here it is.
     Two years ago God began to stir in both of our hearts to leave California.  We began to pray about it and we were really being drawn to Tennessee.  We would look into it but not too much.  In April 2011,  Matt lost his job as a Purchasing Manager and while he applied for jobs everywhere he could, he applied a lot in Tennessee.  I still had my part time job at Legacy and the Lord faithfully provided for our needs.  We had decided to sell our home, someone bought it and we moved the week of Thanksgiving and lived with my sister Hollie for a month.  It was time to make some tough decisions.  As hard as it was, we decided to move to Washington the week of Christmas.  Both of our parents graciously wanted us (and of course their grandchildren!) but we felt like Matt would have a better chance getting a job closer to big cities such as Portland and Seattle.
     Matt continued looking for jobs immediately.  We were settling into nicely as part of the "big Elliott family".  At the beginning of January, Matt fell on a slippery ramp and broke his wrist.  With no health insurance, the Lord brought this extra trial into our lives.  Matt ended up having to have surgery to repair his wrist.  What do you do when you've lost your job, your home, your life as you knew it and you now need surgery?  You depend on Jesus all the more!  "All I have needed Thy hand hath provided." As of today, we have one more outstanding bill that has to be resolved and the rest is paid in full! " Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me."
     As summer was approaching, Matt and I were having heavy hearts.  Can I give a shout out to my wonderful husband?  He was faithful for 15 months to go after any job he could.  It made me love him even more.  We were getting ready to return to California for Hollie's wedding with no job in sight.  To say we were discouraged was an understatement.  We talked together of Tennessee and how we probably had to get used to the idea that we weren't ever going.
     Then the next day my friend Kelli told me of a job in Tennessee.  Matt applied, had a skype interview, flew to Nashville, GOT THE JOB and flew back in time to leave for Hollie's wedding.  We went back to Washington and five days later we were driving across the country to Spring Hill,Tennessee (about 25 miles south of Nashville). "Morning by morning new mercies I see."
     So what is Matt doing?  He is a manager for Waffle House restaurants.  In the south they are as common as Starbucks.  He works long hours but loves it!  He has never done anything like this before. All the locals love him (of course!).  The girls love going to visit, eat a waffle and tell everyone that their dad is behind the counter.
     What am I up to?  I am a stay at home mom loving and serving my family.  I meet women for lunch (I'm a Southern Lady who lunches!), I kiss Lucy all day, I am involved in a Women's bible study at church (cbcnashville.org), I help lead a group in a mentoring program for young adult women at church and I just started singing on the worship team.
     Ivy (6) is getting adjusted.  She started off 1st grade a little behind in some areas but she is finding her stride and is now where she needs to be.  After much persuasion (on her part) we let her ride the bus to and from school, which she loves.  She is making friends and loves church.
     Lucy (3) has quite the social life!  She goes with me to bible study and has her own class and then goes to preschool at our church on Thursdays.  She has a precious friend, Alli Peterson and I can't help but crack up hearing them talk like big kids.  She was a whiz at potty training, taking less than a week.  It was great having my assistant Ivy help me with that.
     Over the years, through many trials, I have thought about the Lord's faithfulness and love for my family.  Over the last few months here in Tennessee, I can't help but thank the Lord for His kindness.  We would have loved and served Him in California, Washington or Iowa, but oh how kind He was to give us Tennessee.  I still often cry out of just pure happiness.  Matt and I lay in bed and still say," I can't believe we live in Tennessee."
     Happy Birthday to the One who proves yet again to be faithful and true.

Love:  Matt, Kelli, Ivy and Lucy Elliott

I'm a complainer.

     I can't seem to get these thoughts out of my head today.  After reading various comments on Facebook on how moms are fed up with their kids I finally said something.  For the record,  I am sure I have put up the same kind of message up for the world to see so I am not coming out and preaching to everyone something that I haven't preached to myself many times.  I am no better than you, however, the Lord has convicted my heart on this area many times.
     I think I am a huge complainer...or used to be...or sinfully, want to be.  It is allergy season for me and if your my friend you know that in the fall I can be a hermit, not going outside to sniff the pollen.  The other day, my allergy attack was in full force and you did not want to get in my way!  If I don't feel good...I'll alter the saying, "If mama don't feel good we all will suffer".  I think Matt was running out the door for work just to get away from me.  All that to say, I can be a complainer too.
      I think the Lord has made me go through some experiences to teach me how grateful I should be.  I remember struggling with infertility issues and I would go places (sadly, church was the worst) and everybody was complaining about their kids.  I wanted to be a mom so bad and these women had what I wanted and were so ungrateful for it.  I'm not talking the occasional outburst to get out your frustration before your top blows (although we do need to be careful, we are only human) but there are alot of women who complain about their kids so much that they don't even know they do it.  Or they think it's funny.  Their kids are the butt of their jokes.  Sadly,  I would have given almost anything to have what they had.  I also thought that I would have been just like them if the Lord did not have me wait so long.
     I have one child, that we are like oil and water many times.  She can set me off fast.  I HATE that about myself!  I HATE it!  I pray about it all the time.  I often think, what if something would happen to her and I look back on our relationship and all I can think of is all the times that I bossed her around, lost my temper, gave out orders, and "gave it to her" when she disobeyed.  I would never forgive myself.
     This is also the first time in my life where I haven't been a working mom.  I remember having to leave Ivy to go to work and I longed to be home with her.  I would read comments where moms would write, "get me out of here!"  Again,  God showed me that if that day ever came where I was a stay at home mom, I needed to get my attitude in order.  I have a working friend who longs to be a stay at home mommy and I wouldn't DARE complain to her, she would trade me in a heartbeat!
     The funny thing is, as I am writing this post and ALL morning, Lucy has been hanging on me.  I can't get very much done.  She loves to be by my side.  I got out toys for her and everything and she just wants to hang on me.  As she was starting to hang on me and I was getting frustrated, I was saying all of these things to myself.
     I know it is different when kids are older,  I have a first grader who is just starting to pick things up she has learned at school, making me what to wave my finger " Oh no you didn't!"  I know this is just the tip of the iceberg.  But this is exactly why we need to remind ourselves what a precious gift our children are!  They are a blessing.  They could be gone in an instant!  Psalm 127 says, " Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth.  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them."
     I am not trying to be holier than thou.  This is such a struggle for me, but let's encourage each other and remind each other of the blessings we have.  This will convict my own heart. Even today.  Probably at 3:55pm to be exact when the bus rolls in.  Haha.  I'm thankful that the Lord has placed this on my heart today so that I can remind  myself all day.
     Philippians 2:14-15 " Do all things without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe."