44

     It's my 44th birthday today. GULP! Today I have felt really thankful.  I was thinking of things I am thankful for and some of my favorite things that make me smile.  I decided to do a list of 44 of my favorite things.  Some things are little and need no explanation and others I have wanted to write about for a while so hear we go!

1. My wedding rings.  I had my rings redone for our 10 year wedding anniversary because my diamond actually chipped and started to shatter when I had hit it just right.  I never wanted to change the style but they melted my actual ring and made stackable rings that I could change up how I wear them.  I love them.

2. My job at Wellspring Preschool.  I love the kids and women I work with.  Many laughs and love.

3. Nashville Flea Market.  Held on the fourth weekend of the month.  Lots of venders and I LOVE flea markets!  I have found many treasures there.

4.  Barre Amped.  A workout I have done for a year and have built muscle I never knew that I had. You can buy the videos on amazon.

5. Aldi's french vanilla coffee.  It is cheap and it's my favorite.  True coffee people might gag but I love it.

6. Brown leather purses.  I have a lot of them in different styles.  I bought an old worn used one at the Nashville flea market and I get compliments on it every single day.  I think  I paid $15 for it.  I LOVE IT!  I always gravitate to the same style of purse all the time.

7. Day planners.  I love to write and I can't do a calendar on my phone.  I have used an Erin Condren planner for the last 5 years but I am switching to one slightly cheaper from Plum Paper this year.

8. Wasi tape.  I use it most in my day planners to mark off vacations or visitors.  It makes the planner extra cute!

9. Colorful pens. Very protective over my pens.  I use them in my bible, day planner, note cards….no one uses mama's pens.

10. ESV Journaling Bible.  I love the ESV version for my bible reading the best and I love to write and take notes.  This gives me the opportunity to do both.

11. The devotional "New Morning Mercies" by Paul Tripp.  I have written about it many times.  In my opinion, it is the best daily devotional out there.

12.  The podcast "Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey".  LOVE!  Obsessed!  Want to be Jamie's BFF.  We don't have cable right now so I listen to her a lot.  I found her while packing up our apartment this summer and I was hooked!  I work out to her, cook to her, clean…LOVE!

13.  Jen Wilkin bible studies (I trust what she teaches) and also her book "Women of the Word" on how to study the bible.  Love Jen!

14.  Amazon fire.  Lucy took over my old iPad and I couldn't afford and didn't need a new one.  The Amazon Fire does everything I want and need.

15.  Amazon Prime.  Life changer.

16.  Essential Oils.  I'm not obsessed but there are a few I love and I do believe that some of them really work.  I buy Young Living oils and Thieves (to fight sickness) is my go to oils.  I rub it on the girls' feet when they are getting sick and I diffuse it.  They love it!

17. Epsom salts. A must after barre class!

18. Modern Calligraphy.  I want to master writing this way.

19. Dear Mushka jewelry.  Love the woman behind it and the message of each piece of jewelry.

20.  The Faded Farmhouse and The Tin Cottage.  My two favorite local stores.

21. Soccer games.  There are these two players.  You might have heard of them? Ivy and Lucy Elliott? Yea, I could watch them play all day!

22. Pinterest

23. The Wet brush.  I cannot brush my hair with any other brush anymore.  Love it!  Great for kids also.

24.  Target $ section.  AWWWWWW…..

25.  Local Coffee shops.  (Shout out to Muletown, Barista Parlor, Fido, Frothey Monkey)

26. Trucker Hats.  The worn looking the better.  The only hat I feel like I can pull off.  Part of my soccer watching attire.

27.  5 Daughters Bakery.  Nothing like it.  Nobody disagrees.  100 layer cronut.  It's not just a donut.  I'm sure Jesus will serve them in heaven.

28. Instagram

29.  Spotify/ Amazon Music

30. Yeti cups (or a knock of they sell in the camping section at Walmart that is exactly like it and WAY cheaper).  It's hard for me to drink out of anything else.  It's a MUST for summertime.

31.  Sonic Happy Hour.  It has ruined me.  I can't bring myself to buy a drink at full price when I can buy it for half off daily from 2-4.  I get off work at 2 so…..

32. Ivy Elliott praying.  The sweetest sound to my ears.  It's sincere and beautiful.

33. Lucy Elliott reading a book to me.  That girl is impressive!

34.  Ballet flats.  Kelli Elliott doesn't do heels.  Kelli Elliott falls down a lot.  Kelli Elliott needs to be close to the ground.

35.  Glitter eyeshadow.  I wear it every single day.  It sounds creepy but I hope I make it work.  Younique has a great one and so does Mac.

36.  Grace.  I want to know more of it.  "For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing, it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."  Ephesians 2:8-9 

37.  Country Living Fair.  In the spring, Country Living magazine brings their fair to Nashville.  It is THE BEST!  I save my money for that one!

38.  Joanna Gaines.  Everything about her.  Love her style, decorating, show, blog….everything!

39.  Tito's.  My neighborhood mexican restaurant.  I have my "usual" usually AT LEAST every other week if not every week.  I call it the "neighborhood hang".

40.  Singing.  I grew up singing in the church and it has been one of my favorite things to do in my whole life.  I have been grateful to God for every opportunity.  So thankful that He would have ever used me.

41.  Iverson Carpentry.  I guess I will call it that, what my Tennessee pops has created for me.  I will cherish his pieces forever.

42.  Estate sales.  LOVE THEM and the surrounding Nashville area has some great ones!

43.  My girlfriends.  Man.  I could cry.  I am beyond loyal to them and they are loyal to me.  Besides my family.  There truly has been nothing in my life that has been sweeter.  Ride or die.  I don't even have to name them.  They know and most of you do to.

44.  My family.  My mom here. My siblings. My girls….. when I wanted all boys, then the Lord gives me two girls that fit me to perfection.  They are two of the biggest lights in my life.  And Matt.  He was tailor made for me for sure and I love doing life with him.

Thank you Jesus for these blessings!  I'm a blessed girl! xoxo

He Takes Away the Sin of the World

     My heart has been so heavy the last couple of days.  Hearing of a couple Matt and I used to know "back in the day" who have lost their 6 year old foster daughter, ripped away from them at the decision of DCFS.  You can read about it here www.lexipetition.com It brought back so many memories of my Sissy.  I in no way want to compare my situation as they had their little girl for 5 years and I had mine for 8 months.  My Sissy never called me mommy but she did cling to me as I put her in that car on the final day (and many family visitations during those 8 months).  Another difference is they have taken this Lexi on a  social worker's interpretation of a law and not really for what the law was intended to do, that never happened in my case.  But the "why" is the same.  Why would God allow both girls to be taken from loving Christian homes?  An answer that I will never understand.  Through social media there have been other stories popping up, public infidelity within the church, terrorist attacks, a joke of a presidential election, others too sad to name…I woke up thinking, I don't know if I have it in me to watch the news today or be on social media.

     I opened my bible to the book of John this morning, needing to be close to Jesus.  I got to the middle of chapter one where John the Baptist saw Jesus coming and he said,"Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world." (John 1:29) I cried.  We needed someone who would take away the sin of the world.  I saw some pictures last night on social media that reminded me in just a glimpse how wicked and sinful this place really is and we need rescuing.  We need someone to take it away.  The good news.  He did.   Or He will.  He paid the price and He is going to come back and make all of this right.  This week is Easter.  Such a sweet reminder that He died for all of this.  This is not how it all ends.  He came as the Lamb of God, the ultimate sacrifice, to take away the sin of the world.  He came to rescue us.  In days like this it gives us hope.  I need hope.  Hope there is something better than all of this.  A better future.

     For those of you who don't have hope, those who don't believe any of this and are discouraged.  If you want to read more about the hope I am talking about you can in the book of John in the bible or you can privately ask me.  There is only one man who doesn't disappoint, one man who I have put my trust in even when things don't go my way or He doesn't answer me the way I would like.  When fresh wounds are opened remembering the little girl I lost 6 years ago and yet I still put my hope and trust in Him.  I keep reminding myself that if life was perfect, filled with love, I would never see my need for Him.  I would never want Him.

    I held my two girls tight last night as we prayed for Lexi.  My two beautiful girls that could have been taken from me up until the moment of adoption.  Reminded what a miracle that was in itself.  They are two of God's greatest gifts to me.  If there would have remained Sissy in our lives, there probably would not be Lucy.  Ivy reminded me of that.

Sorry for the rambling.  I look over all of this and it is a hodgepodge not making a lot of sense. (As a lot of my posts usually do). :)  This week as Resurrection Sunday approaches, I am going to continually thank Jesus for bringing us hope.  That day when He rose from the grave, He ushered in hope.  He paid for all of this ugliness on the cross.  It is finished.  Hallelujah!

   

An EXCITING start to 2016

We were going to wait to share this news but people are starting to post things on Facebook so I asked Matt if I could write on my blog today.  Let me just say that I am BEYOND excited to not be writing about my struggles with waiting in trials. I know I must sound like a broken record but I almost feel like this place is my diary.  So…I want to document what's happening with our family.     

I feel like I need to address the last few weeks.  The last weeks of December were a big struggle for Matt and I .  We found out on Christmas Eve (Ivy's birthday) that Matt didn't get a job that he was REALLY hoping for.  The reason he didn't get it was because through his background check we found out that he never graduated from college.  WHAT????  He walked in graduation, we had a party, I have been paying on his loans for 18 years and he even took me on a cruise to celebrate being done.  He has three classes to finish and he has started the process.  But long story short, he lost the job because the info. on his application was inaccurate.  The weird thing is,in  his last three jobs he needed a college degree.  It was a hard pill to swallow after he had applied for jobs for a full year straight with hardly any interviews and this job looked so promising.

As you remember (if your my friend on Facebook) I wasn't handling things very well.  The Lord used this time to reveal things in my life that I was desiring  more than I was desiring Christ.  In my mind I was desiring treasures on earth way more than desiring Him.  With this job gone, He stripped any hope of those things entering my life anytime soon.  It has actually been a sweet time between me and the Lord.  I know that He is the only One that satisfies. I wish I  wouldn't struggle so much with it but I do.  He continually shows me why I need Him so much.

So….last Friday a friend set up an interview for Matt in medical purchasing here  in Nashville.  Matt has wanted to get into medical purchasing for a couple of years but everyone wants medical purchasing experience.  He went to the interview, came home not really knowing either way how it went and in less than two hours the company was calling to offer Matt the job.  We just sat there and cried.  My mind kept taking me to how much I have struggled, how I have fought the Lord to gain control of the situation, how undeserving we were and then he blesses us with this.  Pure undeserving grace.  We were waiting to tell people to make sure the background check went through but decided to announce it today.  Matt's birthday.  So the girls and I bought him a "manly" lunch box to take to work.  It comes with compartments and ice packs so that he can bring a salad or hummus and veggies.  He loved it!

  

He is so excited to work.  He is so cute, he reminds me that he's going to work on February 1 just in case I forgot. The company is also close to his Dr. so he can go for chemo during his last year of treatment.  He hasn't worked in 2 and a half  years and the man is ready.  Best. birthday. gift. ever!

Christian Karma…and Merry Christmas!

It has been WAY TO LONG!  The funny thing is, over the last couple of months, I have been introduced to people who know me from this blog!  I doubt they will be reading now because they probably think that I have abandoned it.  I told them I only write when I have a major urge to say something and today I felt that push.  I love it that people read but today I needed to write to remind myself of something I fight far too often.

First, I want to add that my family just got back from a trip to California.  We had not been back for almost 4years.  It was a wonderful visit.  We stayed about a week and a half.  The first part was with my sister and brother in law and with friends.  Oh how I have missed these people.  One memory that makes me laugh.  An hour after we got to Ashley's house (I am assuming you know Ashley, wink wink)  I was laying on the couch with my bestie Wendy.  We were talking and I was already getting teary eyed, I said"It is so so good to be with you."  She said,"I know."  I said," I feel like we should snuggle."  I walked over and hugged her.  We didn't hear people come in and a friend walks in and said,"Ummm…. excuse me?"  Haha  I LOVE MY PEOPLE!  We laughed, cried, prayed, talked, encouraged each other, played games, ate Halloween candy, made taquitos at 9pm, celebrated my brother in law passing the California bar exam to became an attorney (YAY HUGH AND HOLLIE!), had thanksgiving with family in Hemet.  So. Much. Fun.  So. Much. to be thankful for.

Matt had a job interview that we had been waiting to hear about.  This is a job that he really really wants.  It is taking extra long to hear if he got the job and it has started to get us both discouraged.  He has diligently…i mean DILIGENTLY been looking for a job for one year.  He has done so much to try and get a job that really the only reason he doesn't have it is because the Lord has kept a job from him.

The Lord has continually revealed to me my sinful heart and the wrong thinking that I have about this situation, who God is, etc. but probably nothing more than Christian Karma.  My good friend said that to me once (I might have even wrote about it on this blog but I still fight it all the time.)  Even as Christians (who say that we don't believe in Karma)we really do.  We think that if we have had hard trials in our lives, we are DUE for something good to happen.   It's about time.  Losing a house? Check. Infertility? Check. Losing a baby ( a couple actually) through adoption? Check.  Job losses? Check.  Leukemia?  FREAKING LEUKEMIA?  Check!!!!  Matt should have been gifted as the CEO of a company by now.  WAIT……NO…..  That is what my sinful heart says but it's not true and I have to tell myself this all the time.

Waiting this long to hear about a job  just seems cruel and wrong.  When you go through something as hard as cancer as bad as that was, this waiting period is just as hard.  My friend Byron says you want to bolt but you can't.  I hate it.  I am not even going to pretend I don't to look good.  I hate it.

I was talking to Matt his morning as we are both discouraged and I had to remind him of all the ways the Lord has blessed us lately.  The ballet, unexpected money for our California trip, a free dinner, I opened up an old wallet the other day and found $200 in it that I used for Christmas presents!  We deserve none of it….. and I can almost hear you shout but you guys do!  But we don't.  And I hate the fact that we don't.  But we don't.  I cry as I type it.

This world is not my home.  As much as I want to make it my comfy home, decorated cute, it's not and I'm thankful that it's not.  I want it to be but I tell Jesus all the time that I am thankful that He doesn't give us what we want but what we need.  When I am in heaven worshipping Him, none of this will matter.  And when that is happening, He is going to shower me with all that I don't deserve.  I would rather have that.

Merry Christmas!

Tomorrow's My Dad's Birthday

I remember being little.  I don't know if I was in preschool or early grade school.  I remember that my dad called Hollie and I into his bedroom and had us sit down.  He got out his bible and asked us if we knew what was in it.  He explained that God had given men His words to write down.  It was God talking to us.  It was important to read it.  I honestly don't remember all that he said about that part but for the first time he shared a bible verse with us.  He read to us Romans 6:23…..

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."  

He explained that one sentence to us and in that he explained the gospel.  Whether you believe it or not, we are all sinners and because God is sinless and holy we deserve death as the payment (the wages) for our sin BUT there is good news.  God's gift to us is eternal life THROUGH Jesus Christ to all who put their faith in Him.

Those who knew my dad knew that he did not always have the softest, most gentle approach but he was passionate about people coming to know Jesus Christ.  I smiled as I read that verse thinking about that day he shared it with us on his bed.  Now thinking that tomorrow would have been his birthday but he is sitting with Jesus.  Feasting at the table with the One who paid that wage on his behalf.

No more Outback Steakhouse gift cards for your birthday dad.  You are eating with the King.

Jesus Wept

     I was going along my merry way this week.  Self centered, with a divided heart.  Thinking about all the things in my life I wish were different, all the material things that I was concerned with….then it happened.  A close friend of mine was having a medical emergency.  There is nothing like that to swoop you out of your self centered life and remind you what really matters, what is important, and who is in control of it all.
      As I was helpless and thousands of miles away, I drove home from work and started begging the Lord on her behalf.  I was crying and fighting anger as I prayed.  "LORD, WHERE ARE YOU?"  I've had a lot of silence from Him as we have been really praying that Matt will get a job soon and as that has been weighing on our hearts, this happens.
     One of the hardest parts to go through in a trial is when there is no movement.  Nothing. Nada.  Hanging out.  Trying to keep your mind set on what's true.  But it weighs on you.  Then when an even bigger crisis comes.  BOOM!  It wakes you up.  I went from praying about these things to pleading with the Lord on my friend's behalf.
     On my way home,  it started to drizzle rain.  It was like a few tear drops.  It reminded me of Jesus talking to Martha when Lazarus died.  Her brother had just died and she said to Him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died."  Jesus saw her weeping and those with her and then it says that He wept.  (John 11)  I know that His weeping was because of our fallen world and that results in sorrow and death but I also know He loved this family.
     I was reminded how much the Lord loves Matt and I.  How much He loves my friend.  He hurts when we hurt.  He is a loving God.  That also means He is going to do what's best for us.  He is building in us endurance, character and hope. (Romans 5:3-4)  He is in complete control and He does answer prayer.  My friend turned out to be fine (for now) and I cried again as I got this news.
     Man, life is hard!  It makes me long for heaven.  As I continue to wait for a job for Matt, give my friend's health up to the hands of Jesus, look at Him with a clearer focus, I just want to remember that He cares.  He loves us.  We are His.  He isn't up in heaven with a metal rod moving things as He pleases without any care on how it affects us.  He weeps for us.  With us.  Something so simple but a comfort to remember because I easily forget.  Sometimes the more theology (stuff about God) you know, the more it can cloud the simplicity of what is true.  His love.  His care.  His concern.  His best.
     No matter what you are going through, whatever you are waiting for, whatever answer that hasn't come yet.  He loves and cares for you too. Praise Him.

The Heart Wants what it Wants

     As I should be studying John for an upcoming lecture,  I am thankful to the Lord that He has taken me to Philippians.  I have been in a funk the last couple of days.  It could be that I have been sick but also I have really been asking the Lord for some things and frankly, He has not answered in the timely manner that I would like.  I begged Him yesterday for some answers and He remained silent.  Normally I wouldn't mind sharing with y'all the desires of my heart but I know it would turn into…"You and Matt deserve it with all you've been through." or  " I totally understand."
     As I was reading through Philippians today Paul writes,

"Indeed, I count everything as loss, because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For His sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ." 

 I just looked at that and thought…"But the heart wants what it wants….. and it wants!"  Really,  I want to say that I count everything as loss but I don't.  I "want" bad.  Yesterday I read in Philippians 2:13

"For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure." 

 That verse tells me two things.  One,  it is God who does the work in me.  I can't do it.  My heart is sinful and selfish so I need Him.  But secondly, it tells me that the work is for HIS good pleasure.  Not mine.  His ultimate will will be done in my life to accomplish His purpose.  As much as that hurts sometimes, I get it.  Philippians 2:5  says why.  So that "you shine as lights in the world." Frankly, most times we shine brighter through trials than we do with out them.  I have had more conversations with people going through hard times because of the hard times I have been through.
     So how does God do that work in me?  verse 16 says,"Holding fast to the Word of Life."  I have to cling to Him.  Be in God's word so that He can comfort me.  Abide in Him.  Let Him transform my heart and mind. Even when it stings and I have this internal struggle.
     Yet, if you think He doesn't care, Paul reminds us in 4:19

"And My God will supply every need of yours according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Not every want but every need.  And sometimes we get mixed up what we want and what we need.  My heart wants what it wants….and it wants…but clinging to my Savior with hope that He will turn those wants into something similar to His.

"O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander,Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for They courts above."

2015 The Best Year Yet?

Happy New Year everyone!  I have spent sometime reflecting on 2014 and thinking about the new  year…..like everyone else.  2014 gave us some highs and lows.  The biggest high was Matt's leukemia being in remission.  We got our daddy and husband back.  He has regained strength and has been able to start doing things with us as a family, church, soccer games and friends.  We have LOVED it.  He is in year two of his (hopefully) 3 year treatment.  His dr. visits are now limited to 2 a month and he just  got the OK to start looking for a job. 

2014 was also tough.  I lost my dad and grandma a month apart.  My dad's illness was rough for a while before he passed away and I still think about all that that entails but I do believe that my dad believed the gospel and is in heaven.  My grandma (his mom)  loved the Lord and after my dad died, her whole immediate family was gone and she just wanted to get to heaven to be with them.  My grandma was a prayer warrior and sometimes I thought the Lord kept her alive specifically so that we would continue to be prayed for.  I'm so happy that they are together and I'm thankful for the hope we have in heaven to see them again.  My mom has taken care of them for so long that now that they are gone, there is a void for sure.  I'm praying for my mom's grief, and her future decisions.  

This marked Lucy's first season of soccer.  While her games were…..entertaining as the "Cotton Candy Girls", Ivy's team was more competitive and this mama loved it!  I have thanked the girls for playing soccer for me.(wink) I'm waiting for them to tell me to get out on the field and "do it myself"  as I call out some "helpful instruction". (No matter that I have never played the sport before in my life! haha)

I have read so many comments that 2015 is going to be the best year yet.  Some people have struggled through trials, breakups, job loss, sickness, devastation in the year 2014, and as I want to say that for the Elliott's I hope that this is our best year yet, I can't do it.  Why?  Because I have learned after all these years that life is hard, trials come, sickness comes, death is real.

 Listen, I want Matt to get a job this year that can support our family, I NEED to lose weight, I want a breath of fresh air from hardship, I have vowed to take better care of my 42 year old skin and body.
But really, whatever the year brings, I want to cling to Jesus.  I want to study Him to know Him better. Less head knowledge, more heart.  Enter into a deeper relationship because I know that whatever 2015 brings, I'm going to need Him.

This year brought a lot I'm thankful for.  I saw my husband crawl back from being at death's door, the Lord financially took care of our needs.  I've made deeper friendships in Tennessee.  I enjoyed my girls.    My dad met Jesus face to face!

I struggle with a lot of material wants.  I can yell out how I think apartment living is not for me. :)  There are some stores I could live at.  But I am starting to see that my happiness and contentment has nothing to do with things and places (as much as I think they do)  and it's more to do with Him.  I hope that on paper that this is our best year yet but if it's not.  I choose Him.  Whatever we are going to go through, I'll go with Him and the 3 other people He has blessed me with.  Here's to see what 2015 brings…bring it on!

Reminders of how much my husband loves me

This summer was such an answered prayer.  Matt was told that his leukemia is in remission.  He has gained a lot of his strength back, energy, has gotten to come to church and soccer games with our family.  We have had get togethers with other families, a couple of date nights, company from out of town, pool days and days where we had absolutely nothing to do….. exactly the kind of days we were looking forward to.  He has two more years of treatment but (hopefully) the worst is behind us.

Since I started teaching a few biblestudy lessons at church for our women's biblestudy, I have not taken the time to read a lot of other books, especially fiction.  There is one series, however, that I wanted to read and I waited until summer to do it.  It was a 5 book series and I knew that I would be hooked so I waited until my library had all 5 books.  This week was the week and I told myself (and Matt) that I was going to go hard on all five books and give myself a week of self indulgence and get it all done in one week.  The stories were about a Christian family with 5 kids and all 5 books took a different kid and focused all that kids' life.  I got really hooked!  Soon after, I HAD to talk about these people's lives with someone and well….Matt is always around.

Our conversation went something like this……
Me: " Matt,  I know you will think I'm dumb and you don't want to do this but I need to talk about this family with someone."
Matt: "No, it's not going to be me."
Me: (laughing and urging) "  Matt, Some of the decisions they are making are so wrong and if I could just tell you about it."
Matt:  " Ya,  I don't want to do this."  ( I could see him wishing for a job or a place to go…)

(Later in the car on the way to the fair)
Me:  "  I can't get this out of my mind."
Matt: (holding his breath and then slowly letting it out….I'm starting to laugh because I feel like I'm writing a book now.  hahaha)  "OK, what is going on?"

(We spend the rest of the ride to the fair while I pour my heart and opinions out to him about this family where he just nods his head in response.  We get to the fair and I thank him.)

(Next day he walks in the room and I'm crying)
Me: "The mom died."
Matt: "I'm sorry babe.  That's sad…… are the books done?"
Me: "Yes, but I found out it leads into a different series."

And that my friends is how much Matt loves me!

Then There Were None (Romans 3:22-24)

I have written before about my favorite sermon by my Pastor, Byron Yawn.  I have been wanting to post another favorite, must listen to sermon and then BAM!  He preached another great one on Sunday so I have to hurry and put this one up.  He has been going through Romans and you would benefit to go to the  Community Bible Church website and listen to the "Then There Were None" series.  This sermon I am posting is part 6 of that series.  I left that day overwhelmed by grace.  I wanted to cry as I left, overwhelmed by Jesus.  I'm so thankful for my friend who loves Jesus and loves His church.  Enjoy! 

Trim Healthy Mama

I have wanted to write about this book/diet I have (halfway started). It's called "Trim Healthy Mama". I read the book once but they say to read it 2-3 times to really start to understand the concept.  I have Facebook stalked the THM group and saw so many testimonials on how this diet had worked for people.  The first week I tried it I lost 5 pounds in a week!  Then I started cheating…… but I am back on the bandwagon.  I highly encourage you to look it up for yourself since, frankly, I am terrible at explaining it!  Here is an excerpt from the book:

"The two primary fuel sources for the body are glucose and fats.  It is crucial that protein be included in every meal, but it is not a primary fuel for the body.  Once you focus your meal on one fuel source at a time, your body will be able to burn through that fuel, and then switch directly to the task of burning your own adipose tissue (body fat) for fuel.  Results?  Natural weight loss."

There are two types of meals that you eat.  An Energizing meal. (E meal)  That meal is Higher on good carbs and low fats.  Then there is a Satisfying meal. (S meal).  That meal is Lower in carbs but higher in fats.  Both meals you are always adding protein.  The book is thick with information, recipes and food lists.  I have had some AMAZING meals and I will try to start posting recipes. You can eat whichever type of meal that you want but if you are going to switch to the other type (E to S or S to E) then you need to wait 3 hours so that your body can be digested and ready to switch.  For me, the S meals are so easy and delicious so I usually have that for breakfast and dinner and put an E meal to give me energy for lunch.

I'm going to start with a drink recipe that is not in the book ( I couldn't find it) but it is on the website.  I made it and when I saw the ingredients I was SCARED!  haha  I didn't want to take a drink but when I did, it was so good!  I just drank a Quart in about two and half hours. It's really good for you and it is better to make this then diet soda or juice.  Give it a try!  Do it!  Tell me what you think!

Good Girls Moon Shine

Ingredients:
1-2 Tbs. raw, Apple Cider Vinegar (try to find one with the mother included)  I bought Braggs brand   (I heard that makes a huge difference)
1 tsp. ginger powder (ground ginger)
2-4 mini spoonfuls of Stevia Extract
water
ice

Instructions:
1.Fill a Quart Sized jar with water and ice.
2.Add raw apple cider, ginger powder and sweetener
3.Stir well and enjoy!

A Letter to My Mom

Mom,  Happy Mother's Day ( a day early).  I wish that I could be with you tomorrow.  Maybe more than any other year, or at least the ones I remember.  The countless times during this hard year where you called to ask if I needed you to come to Tennessee.  It's been a hard year for our whole family.  The Elliott's, the Gorsh's, the Jackson's and yet the Lord has had us away from each other.  My friend said that it could be that the Lord wants us all to rely on Him.  Depend on Him instead of each other.  It has been such a blessing to see you do that.  You have been pulled in so many different directions with working, and dad's health and Grandma's health.  Being in Cedar Rapids,  at times wanting to be with Hollie and other times wanting to be with me.  Feeling like your girls needed their mom at different times this year but yet none of us were together.  So we all just continued to hope and trust and it has been my joy to watch my mama trust in the Lord.  Your faith has grown.  I remember crying on the phone, wishing we were together and you telling me, "We have Jesus.  He is enough."  Man, how we all go back and forth, feeling like we need each other and knowing that all we need is Him.

Mom, you've always been a hard worker.  You have always given to your family.  Memories make me laugh like how you used to peek through the door crack to listen to my conversations with Hollie, how you got up and sang karaoke at Becca's bachelorette party, how you would have to put on full makeup to go to Target, how much you love and enjoy your grandkids and how no one has more bath/beauty products in their bathroom than you do! :)  

I've learned things from you.  I can't relax fully until my house is clean.  When I see an overweight person running on the side of the road I say quietly out loud, " You can do it.  Good for you."  Even though they can't hear me.  Do you know you used to say that?   But the things that I have learned the most from you this year is how to serve my family and how to depend on Jesus.

Life isn't always easy or fun or what we want.  Life is hard sometimes but when it's hard I am learning that that's when your kids watch you the most.  I'm watching you mom and I like what I see.  Happy Mother's Day.  I love you! xoxo

Parentology

My morning with Lucy as already gone different than many mornings before.  I will be the first to admit, I was way more intentional in my parenting of a toddler with Ivy than I am with Lucy.  Especially with Matt being sick, sometimes I just run Lucy along, quick discipline her behavior and keep running.  Last night our pastor, Byron( cbcnashville.org) gave a great talk on Parenting.  It had so many great reminders.  So…it didn't take long this morning for Lucy to get upset when I told her that it was time to turn off the TV and play with toys (rough life of a four year old).  She went to her room, she got punished and then we had a nice talk.  About Jesus.  About us and our sin.  About how much God loves us and why He sent Jesus.  About how our sin breaks our relationship with God and how He sent someone to fix it.  It's day by day baby steps.  As I sat there last night I realized in a year and a half Lucy is in school.  Away from me for 8 hours a day.  I need to seize the time.

You can get on the church website and listen to his lecture but I know that most people won't do that so I am giving you my notes.  I'm not going to add any explanation because it speaks for itself and you can think it through.  Knowing that this time with my kids goes fast, I am thankful that it is not over yet.

Parentology:

1.  Don't place your faith in your parenting.  (their faith outcome)
2.  Don't place your self worth/identity in how your children behave in public (it's all law/no grace) That makes it about you and not your kids.
3. Don't expect the church to fix, save, to correct your children.
4.  Don't forget that much of your children's behavior is from imitation. (the one most like you is who you tend to struggle with the most)
5. Don't make the mistake of giving your kids the impression that they are a project to fix. (that they are a burden)
6. Assume that your kids are going to struggle.

GOAL OF PARENTING- To introduce your children to Christ (and their need for Christ)
Functional goal- Creating a home where your kids are allowed to struggle with sin.  Where I can correct.  Allow them to grow as people.

You don't have a lot of time with your kids so there needs to be primarily LOVE.
You want your kids to give you their hearts.  You want your kids to come to you for advice.

Advice to parents with toddlers-WIN haha!
DISCIPLINE and STRUCTURE  Kids thrive on that.

You don't want to make your parenting where they think God is an unsatisfied Judge instead of a loving Father.

In spanking.  Tell your kids why they are sinning through scripture.  GRACE!

The biggest mistake in parenting is the absence of grace.  Make a distinction between law and grace.  Rules of the home are an extension from God's law.  They point their need for God and for their protection.  Your kids need to know that they will never truly satisfy the law.  Only Christ has done that.

Most kids think that they will only be accepted if they obey the rules.  True Christian parenting is your unending acceptance of them.  You discipline BECAUSE you love and accept them.

Most of the time,  when a toddler is out of control, the dad has been absent in discipline.  Dad needs to step up.  A father's role is essential.

Most of their kids rebel against their parents because the only get attention they get is when they get chastisement.

Don't punish out of irritation, anger or frustration.

Don't confuse mistakes and disobedience.

Recognize the difference in your children.  Observe…Dads be involved!

Don't give unreasonable demands.

Be unified as parents when it comes to discipline.

Focus most your attention on rules that affect the heart.

1.  (example: lying, deception) "If you tell me the truth, I will respond in grace."
2.(example: tone and volume)  How you talk to each other.  No screaming, no stomped feet.  Reinforcing self control.
3.  You need to submit to the same rules. (as parents)
4. No threats in dicipline.  You have to follow through.
5. You don't only have to have devotions at scheduled moments.
6.  Have a home of joy ( do fun and crazy stuff)
7.  Pay attention to hearts and person more than behavior.
8.  Praise them more than correct them.  Praise them for more than their behavior…who they are, their talents.
9.  Give them a lot of affection.

#teamdad

Psalm 118:28-29 " You are my God, and I will give thanks to you; you are my God; I will extol you.  Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever!"

Thank you all so much for your prayers as Matt's biopsy results came in yesterday.  My short answer is that there is still no leukemia in his bone marrow!  Praise the Lord!  We were so excited to hear that.
He starts his new round of chemo on Monday (if his cold goes away, so pray that it goes away!)  This is a six week treatment.  If after the end of the treatment, the next biopsy shows no leukemia, then he goes into the maintenance stage for the next couple of years.  It is much easier on his body.  We were elated to hear this because we didn't know that we could get to maintenance so soon.  There are still a lot of hurdles to cross and we ask for your prayers.  Matt has to be able to endure the full doses of chemo during these next 6 weeks.  That is something that his body has not been able to take in the past and our goal is to keep him out of the hospital.

The Dr. explained to us yesterday that every time he has to lower Matt's doses of chemo treatment, the curability rate goes down so the goal is always to give him the maximum amount of drugs for the maximum amount of time.  He didn't let go of the subject of a bone marrow transplant, saying that if Matt couldn't handle this last part of treatment that we might need to discuss it.  He talked with us about the risks of that and also that our insurance would not be covered there so we would have to leave our Dr. and our treatment facility and go somewhere else.  Of course we don't want to do any of that and we are asking the Lord to see us through these (hopefully) final weeks of intense treatment.

All four of us have lingering colds so we are praying that it leaves us fast.

It was such a blessing to share the news with the girls last night and sit together and thank the Lord for his protection, for the cancer to still be in remission and to pray for the future.  Lucy keeps reminding us that we are team dad and we can do it!  I am so thankful for these girls!

God is so gracious and kind.  It is during our darkest moments that He is the most near.  I love these times with the Lord for that.  I'm so thankful for the way He has provided for us and for the way we have been ministered to.  I keep thinking of the words to the hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness"……

"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth, Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide; Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.  Blessings all mine and ten thousand beside!

Thank you for your continued prayers and for being on #teamdad!

Though He slay me, yet I will Hope in Him.

I know that I should update this blog more often.  Even for my own memory since so many things become a blur.  I kind of wait until the Lord puts something on my heart or there is a major update.  I will update you on Matt.  He was in the hospital last week for four days because of dehydration.  He couldn't eat anything and he couldn't keep anything down.  He has lost around 60 pounds since his diagnosis 5 months ago.  The hardest part is when his spirits get down.  When he is discouraged and lonely.  Lonely but is not up for visitors and lots of phone calls.  This time entering the hospital was maybe the worst he has looked, thus me taking him to the hospital.

Matt had a doctor's appointment today where the Dr. told him that they are going to not go ahead with the next two chemo treatments.  He was getting a drug called Methatrexate and people either respond really well to it or responds really bad.  So…. they think he has enough of it in his body and they are going to forgo the rest.  They are going to give him another couple of weeks of rest (to get his blood counts up again)  and then they are going to give him another bone marrow biopsy to see if they see any cancer.  If there is not leukemia, then he can start a new kind of chemo and keep going.  If there is leukemia that has come back, the Dr. wants to talk to us about a stem cell transplant.  That kind of rocked our world as we had thought that we were past talking about that.  It actually kind of scared both of us. So, we wait until his counts come back up and he is stronger, then have the biopsy and wait for the results.  Please pray that no cancer has returned.

People have asked how I am doing and what I am learning.  A friend said it best on Sunday, I might not see what the Lord is teaching me until this is behind us.  Really some days I cling to the Lord and bury my face in Scripture to comfort my soul, read it to Matt to comfort his.  Some days (most days) I am like a zombie, going through the motions of life.  Busy life, trying to make it as normal of a life for the girls as I can.  I take things day by day as I don't know what the day is going to bring.  Honestly,  I (we) are just trying to make it through.  Make it to the other side.  Day by day.  I constantly tell Matt that if can make it through the day, he has won the day.  It doesn't matter if it was hard or easy, he conquered it.

People have asked me what books I have read to help me.  Besides the bible, maybe none.  Who has time to read?  ha ha  Maybe I should but as Matt doesn't want to hear about/ talk about cancer and chemo all the time, I don't either.  Some might help but right now I'm studying for a bible study I am teaching a lesson on.  Maybe after that…..

One thing that I have thought about is that Matt and I have been through a lot together (job loss, infertility, adoptions, losing a baby through adoption, losing our house and moving and now leukemia) Through each trial, the Lord has taught me more about a certain character of Him or some theme.  Longing for babies, He taught me about His faithfulness.  Adopting our girls and even losing Sissy, He taught me His Sovereignty and love.  One thing I have thought more of in this trial than in any is hope.  I have never really focused on hope before until now.

I do have hope.  Knowing that Jesus hears my prayers when I beg Him on behalf of my family brings me hope.  Knowing that this life is not all there is, that I have a future in heaven gives me hope.  Knowing that He loves Matt, Ivy, Lucy and I gives me hope.  Seeing Him working miracles in our situation gives me hope.  Knowing He walks beside me gives me hope.

Job 13:15  "Though He slay me, yet I will hope in Him."

It's Not Even Christmas Yet

Days are flying by during this Christmas season.  Cards and gifts have been piling in, with one of the best gifts of all,  Matt being home from the hospital.  Today is Ivy's birthday and the celebrating started well before 7am.  As the girls and I were running out the door to meet friends for a birthday brunch,  there were loads of presents by our front door and a birthday present for Ivy, all without a card.  When we got to brunch,  my friend Kelli handed me an anonymous  card with money in it for our family.  We had breakfast that I didn't even pay for, we met with friends this afternoon who spoiled my family. I got the mail and there was an anonymous gift card to the grocery store in my mailbox. We have more presents tomorrow than what we would have had if Matt was healthy and working.

 As we were driving home this afternoon, I started praying, feeling so overwhelmed at the love and blessings being given to our family.  It feels so undeserved.  I talked to the girls about reasons why we think the Lord has been giving over and abundantly to us, explaining to them that we don't deserve any of it.  There are people whose family members are sick,  people who work so hard for their money and never get ahead, who struggle and stress about how to provide a present for their kids.

 Then I started thinking about all of the things that Jesus does for us on a daily basis.  He came to earth as a baby, sinless and died on the cross for my sin.  He offers forgiveness to me on a daily basis.  He cares, protects, and is faithful.  He works things for my good all the time, some things I notice and some I don't and take for granted.  He takes my anger and frustration when I am overwhelmed and gives me blessing in return.

My husband here, living, home for Christmas was more than enough.  The rest is icing.  Honestly,  I still don't know what to do with it all.  I am overwhelmed.  God is gracious, loving and  kind.  I am coming out of the hardest week and a half that I've had since the beginning of this trial and He helped me make it through.  I told Ivy that sometimes Jesus gives us the things that we dread to show us that He is with us,  we can make it.  We will overcome.  Today I sit overwhelmed by His kindness and the kindness of others.  Thank you for loving my family.  Thank you Father for not only Your provision but the abundance of it.  We don't deserve it, don't deserve You.  I'm feeling blessed and it's not even Christmas yet.

Thankful

Thanksgiving 2013

Franklin,Tennessee

I might be late to the party.  We are in the middle of December, but I have been walking around so thankful today that I had to sit down and write.  I wanted to start a thankfulness post so many times last month but, Friend, I've had things to do.  As far as how I'm doing, I am taking things one day at a time.  I get such encouraging texts and notes, "I don't know how you do it." "You're amazing." " You always have a smile."….Truth is, I am hanging on for dear life! Holding on by my fingertips at times.  Learning to call on Jesus…literally…out loud….even saying "Jesus, take the wheel."  Haha  I am serious!  I am learning that I don't have to do it alone.  He is waiting to help me, even if it is to encourage my heart.  He has been so faithful to do that so many times.

Before I get into anything else I will update you on Matt.  He is feeling OK.  He has been in the hospital 3 times since his initial release.  He gets admitted every time his temperature is 100 degrees or more. I always knew my husband was hot (wink)  but they do need to monitor him.  It could be fatal if he lets his fever stay high.  So…the goal is always to reduce the fever and check for viruses.  Matt and I both talk about how hard it is for him to be there and away from us (it is especially hard on Ivy)  but we both feel really safe when he is there.  They catch everything that is going on with him and that makes us both feel secure.  But…we want him home!

He has started to get sick from the chemo.  He has lost over 30 pounds and eats about a 1/3 of what he used to.  He reads a lot but lays down most of the day.  That has been hard on him.  His spirits.  I encourage him almost daily to just focus on the day, get through the day.  I try hard to let him deal with things the way he does without preaching as I am not in his shoes.  I have found myself starting to tell him how he should be looking at things, then stop myself.  I have no idea what he is going through, so I just pray him through it.  

And me….. I guess I can start by sharing a story to illustrate how the Lord has been blessing my life.  I  have been very overwhelmed.  My schedule is fuller than a full time job.  I never have a day at home anymore and when I do it is filled with "to do's" that I have been forced to neglect.  I never know how long I will be in Nashville with Matt on a given day, people need things from me, I have to clean ( I am failing at this) because Matt can't be around germs since he doesn't even have one white blood cell in his body, I'm in the middle of studying for an upcoming lecture…(not complaining but painting the picture) anyways, I was at work (Preschool 2 days a week) and I was thinking about Ivy's upcoming birthday, deciding on the day that I could carve out to bring treats to her class, what the treats would be, I always add a candy cane since her birthday is Christmas Eve…..I had made tags for the candy canes and a mom in my class asked about Matt (I had just told her the week before about his leukemia).  She asked how I was doing and I might have poured my heart out about Ivy's birthday.  Didn't mean to, just verbally vomited the words when she asked.  She ended it by asking what she could do.  I said I would let her know, knowing full well I would never ask her for help in something like this.  I went through out the day praying about it and telling myself that there is only so much I can do in a day and let it go.  She showed up at the end of the day with party bags filled with treats for Ivy's class.  Tied with a candy cane.  I almost cried.  I did.  What a blessing she was from the Lord.

Here are others that I am thankful for….

All the people who have given to us financially.  From the Paypal account, individual cards, gift cards….Especially with the Paypal, I don't always know who donated and how to send a thank you.  Matt and I are blown away!  Thank you doesn't even begin to describe it.  If you would have seen me at the beginning of Matt's diagnosis, I was gripped with fear on how Matt and I were going to live and make it through this.  I still don't know the future on that but the Lord has definitely shown us that He is providing for us, through you!  Please accept my sincerest thank you.  Words don't seem enough but it's all I have.

I have a friend who I am so thankful for.  The Lord has used her to change our lives in this trial.  Our situation would look very different if it wasn't for her.  I could tell you countless ways in which the Lord has used her to help with hospital bills, food, Christmas presents….so many things, I could fill a book.  I don't use her name because she would not like that and she gives all glory to the Lord.  All I know is when I am talking to the Lord about her, it brings tears to my eyes.  She is a treasure.

Blessing from the Lord.  I stopped my car yesterday at the front desk of our storage unit place.  The man who owns the units had given us 6 months of free storage when he heard about Matt.  Since I am hardly there, I haven't had a chance to talk to him.  I went in and told him who I was, I could tell that he knew immediately.  I told him how thankful Matt and I were for him.  He was uncomfortable and kept looking at his computer, and he was really uncomfortable when I started to get choked up.  I started to laugh telling him it had been a long day but I wanted to say Merry Christmas.  I am thankful for the storage owner.  

I am thankful for my parents coming last week.  My dad has not been in the greatest health and it was nice to have them here.  My mom did homework with Ivy, played cards, did laundry,etc.  They stayed with my girls while I rushed Matt to the ER on this latest hospital visit.  My mom asked Matt if he was in the hospital to avoid a visit with his in laws. I am so thankful that I finally got to see my parents.  

Surprises in the mail.  We have gotten some fun packages from friends and I am so thankful.  It really makes a difference in our lives.  I told Matt that it feels like the Lord is saying, " I am not going to take this trial from you.  Matt is still going to have cancer for the time being, but here is something to make you feel loved, special, thought of, cared for."  It truly does.  Thank you so much!  We keep every card in a box that Ivy decorated at the beginning of Matt's diagnosis.  If there was a gift included, I write it in the card to remember.  We will keep it forever.

The countless friends who have my girls over for playmates when I need it, my friend Lisa who picks up Ivy from the bus more than I do.  I could not do any of this without you.  That is a true statement.  My girls love each and every one of you!  Thank you for allowing me to focus on Matt while you have my girls.

I know I have talked about my church family, the Iversons, and how much they have meant to us.  Our love runs deep for them all.  I have now more than ever seen this blessing from the Lord that He created to encourage our hearts together in Him while we are here on earth.  Life is hard, God is good and He knits us together.  Such a blessing.

My girls.  I have one who is my sensitive helper.  She knows when I need her, when I need help, when dad needs to rest, one who I can cry with at times (not as much as in the beginning).  Then my other one who wants to snuggle, kiss, laugh, dance.  God gave me the best of both worlds in these two.

Those who constantly text me and write me notes of encouragement.  Even if I don't answer every text or note, I LOVE them all and it keeps me going.

I tell Matt to just get through the day, sometimes I tell myself the exact same thing for different reasons, but the Lord is definitely using this trial to mold me into something I was not (another post, another time).  Today, I'm just thankful.

Release

I know people have been waiting for updates.  I just haven't known what to write.  I could write a blog post about how tired I am or how selfish I am. (wink) People ask me how I'm doing and I say fine, because for the most part I am.  Then when things slow down and I have a minute, or I'm at church and we sing a certain song and I am still long enough to focus on the words, that's when I get a lump in my throat and I fight the tears.  I think I finally said it best today while texting with a friend and I was cleaning, disinfecting everything and I was starting to cry.  I wrote," The problem is , I don't know which part of all of this I am crying about."

For those of you who are not on instagram or Facebook, Lucy got the flu and Matt got a high temperature which put him back in the hospital.  His treatment is postponed until next week and they are going to keep him overnight and then re evaluate.  Lucy has eaten twice now without throwing up so she might be getting better.  Ivy was asked to go to the movies and lunch this afternoon so I think that makes up for the fact that Lucy was sleeping with her last night and got sick in HER bed.

How am I doing?  I'm tired ya'll.  My friend told me last week that one of the reasons all of this is such a shock to me is that Matt is a great daddy and husband and has always helped me a lot.  While that wasn't the case last year because of his work schedule, I've  had a lot of help from Matt the last 7 years of parenting.  He would help give a quick bath or do some dishes.  Now I am solo, plus adding doing everything for him on top of it.  And having  work and other outside activities. Don't get me wrong.  I love doing it for him (most of the time…another wink).  I have even thanked the Lord for this opportunity to learn to serve my family better, serve Matt, think more outside myself…. but that doesn't mean it's easy.  I definitely have had to work at giving myself an attitude adjustment at times and just give it all to the Lord to gain the right perspective.

Before you say…."Aren't you concerned about Matt and his health?"  Yes, I am.  But I know he can be doing much worse.  I try to take care of him and if I even see him struggling to stay awake or take his temperature I am there waiting to see the result.  I seem to have one eye on what I'm doing and one eye on him.  But I constantly remind him that we could be in a much worse situation and we need to be thanking the Lord for how well Matt has been doing.  As much as I want him home tonight, I do feel safe with him at the hospital being monitored and getting more meds, away from all of our germs.

This basket of goodies on my doorstep this afternoon.

I sound like a broken record when I say I am so thankful for my friends.  Texts this morning offering to take Ivy and Lucy for me this afternoon.  I finally let Ivy go to the movies with a friend and then I had these goodies at the door for Lucy and I.  I cleaned the whole apartment so I can rest this afternoon from being up all night with Lucy.  ( Can I just say,  I complain about living in an apartment until I have to really clean it.  Then 1000 sq ft. isn't so bad.)  I'm thankful for the example of others.  I think of my friend Jan, in the own trial, she has focused her mind on Christ and has looked to Him to be the ultimate comforter.  I think of my mom and all that she has been enduring trying to sell their house, take care of my dad, work full time.  I will not forget her words this summer as I didn't want to leave her and go home and she said, " You can go, I have Jesus."  

I was praying really hard for this sweet lady from our church this weekend who was in a coma.  I prayed for her all day on Friday and Friday she woke up.  I pictured smoke rising to heaven, an offering  in the form of prayers to God from His people.  So pleasing to Him, that His children would turn to Him for requests concerning our dear sister.  This morning as I knew people were praying for Matt I thought the same thing.  How pleased the Lord is that we all turn to Him and make our requests known.  I'm so thankful that He has even given us that relationship to Him.

I'm actually looking forward to getting into bed this afternoon.  Listening to good music, spending time with the Lord and letting the tears flow and just RELEASE.  Keep praying! 

Home Update

I know that people have been waiting for an update from me.  As most of  you know, Matt came home on Wednesday night.  I have tried to upload the video of Matt surprising the girls but it's not working.  If we are friends on facebook then you have seen it.  I cleaned for 6 hours the day before Matt got home to make sure everything was sanitized.  I had a break down talking to him on the phone the next day because I was so scared of him getting sick at home but I didn't know how I could keep up the cleaning schedule.  He reminded me that his health was in the Lord's hands and I had to stop trying to control it.  I have never seen a man more excited to be home.  My friend Ami set the most amazing dinner on our doorstep and we kept commenting that it was like Christmas dinner!

Matt getting his pills organized with what to take each day.

He has been taking it easy, driving Ivy to her bus stop.  We live on the second floor, so the walk to and from the car, plus the stairs are enough to wear him out right now.  We went to the dr. for his first appointment and his blood counts were AMAZING!  They have already removed some restrictions that they had put on him.  Most of his counts were in the normal range! 

Matt's WBC 4.3 (normal range 4.6/10.6) ...Matt's platelets 173 (normal range 142/424) ...Matt's NE# 2.09  (normal range 2.00/7.80)

 Praise God!  When Matt got in the car and told me, I could not even believe it.  It truly is a gift from the Lord.  I sat there thinking, I didn't know you could have leukemia and get so much good news.  We still have a long way to go and things can change day to day but I am praising God for all that has been coming our way. He has a bone marrow biopsy on Monday and he will still do at least a year of outpatient chemotherapy.   He is still going to be a hermit for a while and take everything slow and easy but he's doing great.  

The Lord has been blessing us in other ways, packages from friends, cards, gift cards and we even got a HUGE package from our credit card company that heard about Matt.  They sent tons of books and toys for the girls ( I took half of it out to save for Christmas).  Matt and I are definitely living month to month but the Lord has taken care of us each month and in the most unique ways.  

It still makes me sad when the girls and I are going somewhere and we have to leave MAtt at home and go by ourselves because he can't be out with a lot of other people but I am reminding Ivy and myself, how much the Lord has blessed us.  People have had a much rougher road than us and have endured it with a lot less encouragement that Matt and I have had.  We feel such a strong love of friends, the Church, our community.  It has been so beautiful to see.  

Please keep praying for Matt.  We still have a long road but I am so glad to walk this road together.  Thank you and we love you!  #teamdad

Kelli's Update

Taken after lunch this afternoon

I know that we are about due for an update.  I will start with Matt.  He is doing really good.  He is responding to medicine really well and has had minimal side affects.  I notice that he is a lot more tired so he takes more naps and he says that he has (what feels like) heartburn.  That has really been it.  The Dr's continue to fill him with blood and platelets.  Tests are coming back good but I have (wisely) been advised to not put my trust in Dr's tests and what they say but continue to put my trust in the Lord.  Matt's parents left yesterday and he has had more visitors which he looks forward to when he is up to it.  

As for how I am doing.....I have mentally written this part of the blog over a couple of times.  I share because I don't know how to be anything but honest and this blog is kind of like a diary.  WHY I make my diary public, I don't know.....some of my friends don't know.( I laugh as I write that)  But I feel better.  Would it really do anybody any good if I just share the times when my faith and trust in the Lord are strong and unwavering?  Then you wouldn't think that I am being honest.  When you hurt and struggle, you wouldn't think that I could relate at all.  Well I can.

I actually had a really good day yesterday, soccer game, pictures, washed cars, clean apartment.  As we were talking to Matt last night, he asked me to bring him some chips.  That was it.  I got mad and irritated.  I said, "Matt, I am dealing with money, bills, insurance, the girls, schedules, babysitting, bible study, cleaning and your chips are the last thing I am going to worry about."I ranted to him about packed days, schedules,etc. while he listened and apologized.  Then, of course, I felt bad and apologized.  We got off the phone and I knew my attitude was bad,  I tucked the girls in and said prayers (while in my head thinking that here I was alone doing all of this by myself again.)  I was irritated knowing that I needed a spiritual spanking.  I prayed for the Lord to take it all from me, did part of my bible study, hoping that Jesus was going to have me read something that was going to change my attitude and heart.  I went to bed and woke up feeling the same.

This morning on my way to church I was still praying about it, when we got to church and I stood there singing(or listening) , something that my friend had said in a conversation at bible study came into my head.  We were talking about the book of Psalms in the bible.  How that book is a very emotional book and filled with people crying out to God.  My friend had said,"God can take your anger at Him."  I started to cry.  It was as if the Holy Spirit told me exactly what was bothering me.  I was mad at Him.  I don't want to be.  I just stood there thinking.....  I don't want to be a spokesperson for trials.  I don't want to be a cancer advocate.  I don't want to "hold down the fort" all by myself.  I don't want to drive to Nashville everyday and find places for Lucy to go.  I don't want to be used by Him in this way.  I don't want this to be God's best for me and my family.  I don't even want this to be my attitude.  I don't want this bad attitude in my heart.  

Then to make matters worse,  I started to think of all of the people working so hard for my family.  Even with this terrible attitude, the Lord is working on blessing my family.  He can take it.  All of it.  And still working everything for my good.  My best.  

I wish there was another way.  Another way for Him to be glorified, teach me lessons, minister to others.  So what was my conclusion today?  What answer did I come to?  It's not all about me.  I'm so glad that He offers forgiveness.  He died for my attitude.  I need Him. 

 Standing there in church I told him simply that I trust Him.  I don't like it.  I don't get it.  But I trust Him.