Stopped Running

Have you ever been running so hard that when you finally stop and listen to what the Lord is telling you, you are so ashamed and upset with yourself and feel so undeserving of His grace and mercy in your life? Well I do. I have been running for almost 2 weeks now.

Let me start by stating what I know about myself. I love to have a clean home, I like to cook, snuggle with my girls, take care of them when they are sick (they both have bad colds), check things off my to do list, I am NOT as flexible as I would like to be, I like to be comfortable in my little family of four. Well, the Lord flat out showed me that my family was to host 2 foster girls for 13 days. I am still in it. 3 days to go and it has been hard, uncomfortable and messy. Don't get me wrong. I have planned some wonderful things for all of the girls, from trips to the park, going out to dinner, new coloring supplies, gingerbread houses, baking, riding bikes,etc. But my spirit has been bad. I started to turn to complaining to all of my friends, etc...(don't want to rehash all of my complaining). Today I woke up early and although I have spent time with the Lord this week (in the midst of breaking up girl fights) I really spent time with Him and I feel like such a failure. I have shown these girls love, but I know I could have shown them so much more, I have shown them some symbol of patience but I could have been WAY more patient, I could have given more kisses and hugs, could have spent more time individually with each of them.

I think of bringing my gift to the alter, my gift of taking in 2 foster girls for 2 weeks and by my complaining spirit the Lord has thrown my sacrifice given to Him into the fire. It is burnt ashes to Him. Failure again. I wish I was different! I should be able to handle these situations from the Lord alot differently than I have. Here's another day, another chance to make a difference for the Lord and in 2 little girls lives.