36

My birthday was coming up in 2 weeks and I would be 37. I was not thrilled, not because I was scared to be 37 (which is good because now I am 38) but because I had always prayed that I would be done having kids by 36. When I was about 26, I saw this lady who was pregnant and she was 36 and I thought that I wanted that to be my cut off age. I am not saying in any way that you are too old to have a baby after the age of 36 and I have had some "not so kind at the time" people tell me that it is not too old. I am just saying that 36 was my number...my desire to stop.

I will say that after the summer I had with D and I leaving us and still no baby I was reluctantly saying to the Lord, "Ok Lord, your timing, I got it, yada yada yada...." Then Wendy told me about this blog that I had to read. www.kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com It was about a girl in Uganda that was in her early 20's who left a comfortable life in Nashville and is a missionary. She has adopted like 13 kids and she is like 22. She had children with Aids living with her and she has cared for some until their death. I was so convicted! Here I was not wanting to be 37 with a newborn and Katie had given up her life to help these children with no mother. I repented to the Lord and made a promise to Him....whoever for however long. Here is my journal entry during that time....

August 29,2009

"........A couple things have been going through my mind lately. First, is what Pastor Scott said in his sermon last week. He said that what you do with Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind....." decides the kind of Christian you will be in the next 3 years. Wow!

Also, I read the above blog about this 20 year old missionary named Katie Davis. I had tears rolling down my face thinking about my life. I am nothing like Katie. I am an adoptive mom and I am still nothing like her.

So many thoughts are running through my head. I am turning 37 in less than a month. I had prayed and had it in my head that I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 36. I have even entertained the thought of only having Ivy because I was getting older.

This Katie Davis showed me how selfish, worldly, unbiblical I am. Lord, THANK YOU FOR THIS BLOG!!!! I don't want to be of this world in the next 3 years! I want to be used! I need to make time for God to mold me through His word.

I feel ashamed that God has not given me another child because now I feel like I have not been ready. Thank you God for knowing what is best. To be coninued....."

I wrote that entry and then the next day came....a day I was so in love with the Lord.... a day where I was so at peace with His perfect plan for my life...THE day... I . met. my . daughter.

side note( I started a journal around the time of losing Sissy. I really don't write in it too often but I thought that while I was going through trials that it was good to look back and see what the Lord was doing in my life. I also think about my girls everytime I write in it. That they will read these words someday. See that I knew the times that I failed with them but that I always wanted to do better and that I was always striving to know Jesus more. It is for me and for them.)