We were getting the feeling like we were going to lose Sissy which put Matt and I in the situation where we didn't want to be. The case was getting dragged out and we felt like we were babysitting her. The Judge was giving the grandparents a long time to get things done that he had required. They weren't getting it done in the time that he said but he kept postponing it for them. Then... Matt and I had something MAJOR happen that affected our family. I can't really say anymore than that (and I know I know you hate it when people say this kind of stuff, but remember when I made my blog private and then public and I said things like this would happen to protect people and their feelings? This is one of those times.)
What I can tell you is that something happened that affected me, Matt and Ivy and it leveled me to the ground. Why bring it up? Because I want to focus on how I got through it. When this happened I feel like you can't get anymore to the bottom than where I was. Sad doesn't even begin to explain my feelings. I didn't think I could get out of bed the next day. I was mad that Ivy got hurt, I was mad that something like this would happen in the middle of losing Sissy, I felt betrayed by a number of people, I felt like my family was talked about, I looked at myself and saw that I was not blameless and.... I looked at God.
I wouldn't say that I was mad at God. I am too fearful of Him to be down right mad but I felt really hurt by Him. I couldn't take (or so I thought) any more of what He was dishing out. The small number of people who knew what we were going through had no words for us. I didn't want to wake up but I had to be strong for Ivy and act like I was OK. After I had asked God why He allowed this to happen for the 1,000th time, I finally had to look at reality. There was nothing else to do. I felt like He was saying to me "Kelli, I made my decision and it is not going to change. Now what are you going to do?"
This is why I bring this whole thing up because really when it comes to telling Lucy's story I could easily skip this part. I thought I trusted God ( I still think I did, do whatever) but I always trusted Him when I could understand why He did what He did. I know I couldn't get pregnant because He had wanted me to adopt, I knew Matt lost His job 2x because the Lord had an even better job and He wanted to teach us to trust Him....and Matt and I always strived to trust Him and to honor Him in our trials but this was below the belt in my simple terms, I couldn't see how this situation helped anyone involved.
So what did I do? First, through my heavy tears I told the Lord that I would trust Him. (NOT an easy one for sure) Then I started to think of all the things I thought about God. That He was Sovereign and that He providentially allowed this to happen.
God's Providence- "God continually and sovereignly works in absolutely everything that happens and thus directs all creatures and events to accomplish His purposes."
Did I believe that all of this was true or not? It was easier to believe when you could see why this was for our good .
Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose."
But what about when you couldn't see it? I CHOSE to have FAITH in Him.
Matthew 17:20 " He said to them, Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you,, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain,'Move from here to there', and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."
It also showed me something else. All this time I thought that there was no way that the Lord would take Sissy away and put her right back in the situation she was before. Why would the Lord take her away and put her in a family where she might not hear the gospel, where it was not a safe environment, where grandparents would raise her and she would be without a sister and 2 parents? Why would He give her to us for 9 months and let Ivy love her so much? But now I knew, it was yet another thing that didn't make sense and He was starting to show me that this is what was about to happen.
Friends, we ALL have some sort of belief in God. You believe something about Him. He does what He is going to do, He is who He says He is, He knows what is for our good even before we do. If you don't know Him like this, I urge you to get to know Him. I must say that when I was hurting so bad, I felt His love and faithfulness. He showed me His tender mercies through my hurt. I looked at my loving husband and beautiful daughter that were given to me out of His goodness to me and I know that no matter what happened in the future, it was for my good and He would get me through. He was about to do it again......
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